Bachelor 2012: Week 1

(Author: Matthew)

The Bachelor started this season the same ole formulaic way it always does. We saw the highlights of our new Bachelor (Ben) getting his heart ripped out by the former Bachelorette (Ashley). The apex of Ben’s bad day on the beach was, of course, his killer, in-no-way-was-this-prepared-beforehand-should-I-lose quote, “Good things don’t end unless they end badly.” Tremendous.

Staying faithful to the tried-and-true script, we were next treated to the usual montages of the new Bachelor overcoming his heartbrokenness. Look, there’s Ben pouring himself into work! And here he is drinking wine with his friends on his vineyard next to a campfire! Now he’s on a sailboat! Watch out, he’s walking down a hill carrying some wood! And here he is standing on his porch, staring pensively into the distance! Ladies and gentleman, your 2012 Bachelor, Ben Flajnik! Just for good measure, the montage ended with Ben inexplicably playing piano in a meadow. Ben is nothing if not fancy.

After that, we were given life snapshots of nine of Ben’s 26 bachelorettes:

• Lyndzi rode a horse and her last relationship ended via text.
• Amber shot guns and ate cow balls.
• Kacie would love Ben like her grandparents loved each other.
• Courtney said she’s not concerned with the other girls because she’s a model.
•  Jamie raised her brothers and sisters when her dad died because her mom wasn’t up to the task.
• Lyndsie showed us how hyper she is.
• Jenna insinuated her highest aspiration in life is to become Carrie Bradshaw (more on her later).
• Shawn worked at a desk and then played with her son.
• Nicki said, “the next time I get married, it is going to be forever.”

Ben concluded this segment by doing an interview with Chris Harrison where he repeatedly assured us he is READY for this. In this interview he talked about the lingering affects of his dad’s death, how he doesn’t regret the experience of the Bachelorette and how hummingbirds reminded him of something. I have no idea what the hummingbirds had to do with anything because Cecilia, Amanda, Tyler and I started doing Brad Womack impressions and that seemed like a much better use of our time (“Come ‘mere to me.” “I want you here.  I do. I really do.” “Hey, babe.”, etc.). 

Next, were the always-entertaining and completely-ridiculous bachelorette meet and greets with Ben. The quick-hitter highlights:

• Rachel was told she looked, “stunning.”
• Erika, the law student, told him, “The verdict is in. you’re guilty of being sexy.”
• Amber B told Ben she was Canadian and her last name was Bacon. (It really happened.)
• Elyse asked Ben to find her later because she was going to make him sweat a little.
• Jenna got overexcited and tried to repeat Ben’s awesome quote from the Bachelorette, but she butchered it beyond repair.
• Courtney told Ben she had a crush on him and then played with his hair.
• Emily, a student of the transmission of diseases, made him sanitize his hands and mouth before giving him the first kiss of the night.
• Samantha wore a sash and talked with a cheerleader voice.
• Casey was awkward.
• Amber T walked in a circle and told Ben he had a second chance at love at first sight. 
• Holly wore a big hat.
• After Jamie walked inside, Ben said, “I’m loving the brunettes.”
• Shira pretended she knew about wine when she actually didn’t. Ben did not like that.
• Blakely smiled with her big-white teeth.
• Brittney brought her grandmother (Sheryl), which basically forced Ben’s hand into giving her a rose later that night.
• Nicki flirted well.
• Diana claimed she forgot what she meant to say. This technique did not go as she probably had planned.
• Jennifer acted like a nerdy accountant.
• Lyndsie recited a self-written poem in her British accent.
• Anna just walked right by Ben in a move Ben called, “ballsy.”
• Monica confessed she missed her dog more than anything.
• Jaclyn gave Ben two hugs.
• Shawn hit him on the arm.
• Kacie called him, “Benjamin,” and asked him not to sugarcoat anything.
• Lindzi rode up on a horse, allowing Ben to utter, “I’ve never dismounted anyone from a horse.”

After everyone got comfortable inside the mansion, things gradually started to get weird. Ben spent alone time with several girls, including Nicki, who demonstrated flawlessly how to get prematurely over-invested in a love interest. Emily showed Ben her “gangsta side” and performed a rap for him she wrote herself. During her sick flow, Ben could not have been more uncomfortable.

And then. There was Monica. She explained in a room full of drunk and emotional bachelorettes that she felt nothing for Ben. Apparently, this was the most offensive thing anyone had ever said in front of Jenna. She immediately started crying and saying she didn’t “want to be drama.”

Somewhere in the middle of Jenna’s meltdown, Monica ended up on a couch with Blakely and started spooning her. She called Blakely a “gorgeous, real woman.” She followed that up by saying, “If you’re the only thing I get out of this, I have lived, and I have lived great…you’re in my life forever…you’re beautiful, you’re amazing…you know I need your number, right?” The whole time Blakely stared at her silently with a goofy half grin on her face like she was trying to figure out the funny part of a sophisticated joke.

Jenna then cried some more, Lindzi got the first impression rose, and Chris Harrison promptly entered the room with his usual, self-satisfied smile and announced it was time for the rose ceremony. Ben thanked the girls for coming, and told them, “This is the first of many tough decisions.” With Lindzi holding the first-impression rose, Ben proceeded to give the remaining roses to: Jamie, Rachel, Blakely, Emily, Kacie, Casey, Brittney, Erika, Shawn, Nicki, Jennifer, Elyse, Samantha, Courtney, Jaclyn, Monica and Jenna (surprise, surprise).

Of the girls who were sent home, Amber B gave the most memorable quote: “There’s only one Amber Bacon.” Agreed.

As for the rest of this season, it seems pretty predictable. Jenna and Monica will be kept (by the producers) for a few more weeks so America can see them fight. Courtney will do her best Michelle Money impersonation and antagonize the rest of the bachelorettes. Girls will get their hearts broken…and so, too, may Ben. Shocking. I know.