Gluten Free Biscuits

Since Matthew and I started eating gluten free in September, I have had had one goal in mind.  Make a good, buttery soft gluten free biscuit.  I cannot tell you how many recipes I have tried, and how many biscuits I have tossed, but today my friends, I present to you the holy grail of biscuit recipes   I've even made a dairy free version.  Cue the hallelujah praise chorus!

I used the Jules Gluten Free Buttermilk Biscuit recipe  but I wasn't crazy about the turnout using her flour, so I modified it a little bit and I'm telling you, they are so good!  If you get confused, you can look at Jules website, she has a youtube video on her biscuit making!

Gluten Free Dairy Free Biscuits

by: Cecilia Creasman

Prep Your Flour

-       3 cups brown rice flour (I use Bob’s Red Mill, found at Kroger)

-       1 cup potato starch (not potato flour) (I use Bob’s Red Mill, found at Kroger)

-       ½ cup tapioca flour (I use Bob’s Red Mill, found at Kroger)

-       1 ¼ tsp xantham gum (I use Bob’s Red Mill, found at Kroger)

o   sift ingredients together and store in air tight container or zip lock bag

Ingredients

2 cups flour mix listed above (I sift THEN measure)

2 tsp gluten free baking powder

½ tsp baking soda

1 tsp coarse sea salt

¼ cup powdered non dairy milk (I use NOW Real Food Instant Soy Milk Powder, found at Whole Foods in a brown bag)

5 TBS non dairy butter (I use Earth Balance natural buttery spread, found at Kroger)

½ cup non dairy plain yogurt or sour cream (I use So Delicous dairy free coconut milk yogurt, found at Kroger.  Once 6 oz container equals ½ cup

1.    Add Apple Cider Vinegar to creamer and set aside

2.    Preheat oven to 375

3.    In a bowl, combine flour, baking powder, baking soda, sea salt, and powdered soy milk

4.    Mix in 4 tablespoons of butter, being careful not to mix it all the way in, you want little balls of butter in the mix.  I use a pastry cutter for this, but you can also use a food processor, just don’t over mix

5.    Mix in coconut yogurt (or DF sour cream) and creamer

6.    sprinkle flour onto your counter top or a pastry pat and press your dough out to equal 1 inch thick

7.    use biscuit cutters to cut out your biscuits but do NOT twist the cutter when you are cutting your biscuit.  just put it straight into the dough and lift it straight out.

8.    Once they are on the cookie sheet, use a fork to poke a few wholes in the top of the biscuits. Melt the 1 TBS butter in a microwave safe bowl. Brush on melted earth balance butter.  (don’t skip this step, this is what makes them flaky and oh-so good)

9.    place on cookie sheet lined with parchment paper and bake for 11-14 minutes until brown.

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Gluten Free Biscuits

by: Cecilia Creasman

Prep Your Flour

-       3 cups brown rice flour (I use Bob’s Red Mill, found at Kroger)

-       1 cup potato starch (not potato flour) (I use Bob’s Red Mill, found at Kroger)

-       ½ cup tapioca flour (I use Bob’s Red Mill, found at Kroger)

-       1 ¼ tsp xantham gum (I use Bob’s Red Mill, found at Kroger)

o   sift ingredients together and store in air tight container or zip lock bag

Ingredients

2 cups flour mix listed above (I sift THEN measure)

2 tsp gluten free baking powder

½ tsp baking soda

1 tsp coarse sea salt

¼ cup powdered butter milk (I use

5 TBS butter

½ cup sour cream

1.    Preheat oven to 375

2.    In a bowl, combine flour, baking powder, baking soda, sea salt, and powdered buttermilk

3.    Mix in 4 tablespoons of butter, being careful not to mix it all the way in, you want little balls of butter in the mix.  I use a pastry cutter for this, but you can also use a food processor, just don’t over mix

4.    Mix in coconut yogurt (or DF sour cream) and creamer

5.    sprinkle flour onto your counter top or a pastry pat and press your dough out to equal 1 inch thick

6.    use biscuit cutters to cut out your biscuits but do NOT twist the cutter when you are cutting your biscuit.  just put it straight into the dough and lift it straight out.

7.    Once they are on the cookie sheet, use a fork to poke a few wholes in the top of the biscuits. Melt the 1 TBS butter in a microwave safe bowl. Brush on melted earth balance butter.  (don’t skip this step, this is what makes them flaky and oh-so good)

8.    place on cookie sheet lined with parchment paper and bake for 11-14 minutes until brown.

Gluten Free Chili

Can someone tell me why it's 50 degrees in May?  Arkansas just can't make up it's mind when it comes to weather.  So, when it's rainy and dreary outside, I usually want something warm and toasty.  Matthew's momma (once again) makes a mean batch of chili.  It's super easy too.  We serve ours with sour cream, shredded cheese, and jalapeños.  Enjoy!

INGREDIENTS: 

1 ¾ lb. ground round or sirloin

2 medium onions, chopped

2 cloves garlic, minced (I use the kind in the jar that is already minced, Spice world brand, it’s GF!!!)

(1) 29 oz. can tomato sauce (HUNTS is GF)

(1) 15 oz. cans tomato sauce  (HUNTS is GF)

(1) 15 oz. can of diced tomatoes (HUNTS is GF)

1 can rotel

½ cup of water (I usually put a little water in each tomato sauce can after emptying them in to get the rest of the sauce out….does that make sense….it probably equals ½ cup!!)

2 TBS chili powder

1 TBS Cumin

1 milk chocolate kiss (I use Hersheys)

 (1) 15 oz. can of kidney beans, drained and rinsed (I use cannellini beans by Bush’s.  they are a white kidney bean, they are GF)

(1) 15 oz. can black beans, drained and rinsed (I uses Bush’s for GF)

Shredded cheddar cheese (or a cheddar/Monterey Jack blend)

 -  chop onions 

to me this is the worst part.  Here's a tip.  

Take a piece of bread and slip it in two.  Hold a piece of bread with your lips while you cut the onion.  You won't cry.  I promise.  DO NOT, i repeat DO NOT, turn the bread in your mouth if it gets soggy.  Instead use the second half and throw the first half away.  You will look like a fool, but it will change your life when it comes to cutting onions.  

- Cook the meat, onions, garlic in a large pot over med. high heat and drain off grease.

- Return the mixture to pot.

- Stir in tomato sauce, diced tomatoes, rotel, water, chili powder, cumin, and the magic chocolate kiss ingredient J. Don't forget the kiss!!! 

- Bring to a slow boil and then turn down heat and simmer on low for 30 minutes (or even longer if you want)

- Add beans and cook until heated.

- Sprinkle cheese on top .....and green Tabasco sauce, if desired.

P.S.  This makes a lot and freezes well…..for another cold night!

Chocolate Fudge Orange Cake

Matthew's mom makes the most amazing chocolate fudge cake, and guess who figured out how to make it gluten free!!

can I get a hallelujah?

because i love you, i'll share the recipe.  you can thank me later.

Coffee-Orange Fudge Cake

1 pkg. Devil’s Food Cake Mix (use betty crocker gluten free mix in a yellow box)

8 oz. sour cream

½ cup Canola oil

½ cup water

4 eggs

4 oz. instant fudge pudding (I use Jello chocolate fudge for gluten free)

¼ cup Starbucks (or other) coffee liqueur……or you can use 2 TBS. instant coffee in ¼ cup of water

2 TBS. finely shredded orange peel (I usually don’t put the orange peel in it)

1 tsp. cinnamon

1 (12 oz.) bag semi-sweet chocolate chips (I use nestles for GF)

Mix the above ingredients together EXCEPT the chocolate chips.

Mix at medium speed for 4 minutes.

Stir in the chocolate chips.

Pour in bundt pan sprayed with Pam (etc.)

Bake at 350 degrees for 50-60 minutes.

FROSTING

3 cups sifted powdered sugar

¼ cup unsweetened coca 

½ cup skim milk

1 ½ tsp vanilla

½ tsp salt

Mix all ingredients together to spreadable consistency.  This frosting hardens quickly, so if it becomes too thick, pop it in the microwave for a couple of seconds.  

Suits & Hummingbirds

Woah... seriously?  Where have we been?  It's been so so long since we have written on this and for that I apologize.  To be honest, the summer has just gotten away from us.  We have had a great summer, but it's been so busy.  Graduations, birthdays, church events, baby showers, engagement parties, wedding showers, dance rehearsals, MY BIRTHDAY (which was amazing), June Christmas, work, etc... it's been exhausting, but so so good.  Matthew and I are blessed to have a full calendar and our family and friends to share our life with, and we are thankful.  But.  We are tired. :)


Because the summer has been crazy for us, there are two things that Matthew and I have found our "rest" in.

1.  Suits

we love Harvey Spector (on the left).  Matthew and I plowed through the first season on NetFlix and were immediately hooked.  We are now "caught up" and we wait patiently each week for the next episode.  This week is the season 2 finale, and I'm not sure what we are going to do with ourselves on Thursday nights while it takes a break.  

Basically Suits is about Harvey Spector, who is a top attorney in Manhattan that is known as the best closer.  Mike Ross (on the right) is a punk kid that has a photographic memory.  Because of this, he never went to law school, but has passed the bar and the LSAT.  Harvey winds up hiring him to be his wingman and the two make an amazing duo that wins cases for a big law firm in NY.  

Harvey's rival is named Lewis Litt... Lewis is extremely jealous of Harvey and it seems like his number one priority is to make Harvey's (+ everyone else around him) life miserable.  Matthew and I recommend this show to anyone.  As someone that doesn't get invested in dramatic TV series, I can say that I'm hooked.  I would say watch the Pilot first, that way you can understand what the series is based on.  

2.  Hummingbirds

yes.  I've told ya'll before we are 60 years old.  And we have come to embrace it.  don't judge.  It started off with me having one hummingbird feeder on the back porch.  Hummingbirds are a bit nostalgic for me, because my grandmother LOVES them, I to this day I go over to her house and watch her humming birds.  Well, one feeder turned into three and so many evenings we find ourselves on the back porch, in the rocking chairs, watching the birds fight over the feeders.  This morning we woke up to 15-20 birds going crazy over the feeders.  So of course, I did what any 60 year old soul would do... i made a cup of coffee and pulled out my camera.  

aren't they so cute???  Matthew and I have names for some of them.  I'll introduce you.  There is one that I don't have a picture of yet.  I'll try to get one,  his name is Gary.  Gary is... well... substantially bigger than all of the other hummingbirds.  We aren't sure if he is really old, or if he is just well-fed, but he's huge.    I'll try to get his picture soon.

And this one is Lewis.  Lewis Litt.  (from Suits, see above)

why did we choose Lewis for him?  Because he is a punk.  Let me show you...

these are our 3 feeders... notice anything?

the one in the middle is almost empty and the one on the left is well on it's way.  but look at the one on the right...and look WHO is sitting there... LEWIS.

ALL day he SITS on that feeder, he doesn't eat... he SITS.  and he guards it.  he doesn't let ANY other bird come near it, if they do, he quickly charges them and runs them off.  He is a pain in the rear end...and therefore, he gets the name Lewis.

This is Donna.  Donna is also from a Suits reference.  

Donna Paulsen from Suits is Harvey Spector's assistant.  She knows EVERYTHING in the office and she is hilarious.  and nosey.

So the reason this bird got the name Donna is she is ALL up in our business.  Every time we watch at the window she flies up to the window and stares into our soul.  It's like she wants to know why we are standing there, what we want, and when are we going to leave her alone to do her work.  Just like Donna Paulsen!


We also have a hummingbird that has a mo-hawk.  but I haven't gotten his picture yet.  and i think we named him Rufio from Hook.

Anyways.  I know I just took a lot of your time, carrying on about our birds.  I seriously feel like I'm 60. But to Matthew's point, these days won't be forever.  One day we will have kids to chase around and we will remember the quiet mornings we had that were just us two :)  So for now, we will soak them in, and we will find rest in the small things.

Elevation has officially started for the fall and Matthew and I are looking forward to meeting new students and helping them find their place in what God is calling them to do.  Matthew and I LOVE our place in Elevation.  We love our leaders and we love the staff.  We both feel very strong about pouring into college students, because for us, it's where both of our lives were radically changed by God.  This summer, NLC hosted a student conference called Collide, that consisted of 7 grade-college students, coming together to learn and worship God all at the same time.  This year was the first year NLC hosted anything like this and it was a success!  1300 students of all different ages were under one roof and it was a blast.  You can check out the speakers and more details about it here:
http://www.collidestudentconference

oh and if anyone wants to come for a hummingbird viewing, just let us know.  haha.

Happy Easter

Subway Art courtesy of Willow Wonder

Bachelor 2012: Week 8

(Author: Matthew)


It's no secret The Bachelor is formulaic. If you've watched the show for more than a season, you know what you're getting each episode. Although the people and date scenarios change year to year, the weekly outcomes are basically the same. That's why, after the season premier, my second-favorite show each year is always the one where the bachelor/bachelorette goes on hometown dates with the final four contestants. These dates provide the greatest potential for the "plot" to go off script. Sure, parents of the contestants almost always cave and give the bachelor/bachelorette their blessing in the end, but sometimes they act like actual parents. And they ask real questions actual parents would ask. More on this later.


The week opened in the alligator-infested swamps of Ocala, FL where Bachelor Ben met Lindzi at a private horse-racing track. Seeing Lindzi gallop up to him reminded Ben of his father and the one time they rode horses together. As Ben explained he never thought horses would become a major part of his life, Lindzi told us, "Horses have been in my life since before I was born." Uh. Okay. 


Ben continued his quest to see all his shorties "open up" to him by pressing Lindzi to talk about her long-term relationship that ended before she came on the show. She admitted to shacking up with her ex. She also explained her parents didn't like the guy, but she didn't care. Neither of those two monstrous red flags bothered Ben one bit. After her confession, Ben said with satisfaction, "I needed to hear that from her. I needed to hear that." He went on to praise Lindzi for her "soft, sweet side." And Lindzi responded by saying she was completely ready for marriage. It was just as confusing to watch as it was for you to read just now.


When this epic, "opening-up" discussion ended, the two left their shaded meadow by the horse track and hopped onto a chariot-like carriage for a short horsey ride through the woods to Lindzi's parents' house. Rich people alert! As their chariot turned the corner onto a pristine gravel driveway, we saw her parents waiting for them and sipping chardonay underneath a tree in a couple of outdoor lounge chairs. While I never caught Lindzi's mother's name, I know her dad's name was Harry, because Ben took every single opportunity he got to condescendingly call him by his first name. Punk. 


After gulping down a couple glasses of chardonay, Harry wiped his mouth, stood up, and challenged Ben to a carriage race. He told Ben he would be PEEEE-nalized if he didn't talk trash during the horse battle. Not surprisingly, Harry and Mrs. Harry smoked Lindzi and Ben in the race. As punishment for finishing second, Harry made Ben and Lindzi put the horses in the stable and then pull one of the horse carriages to the house as he and Mrs. Harry proudly sat inside it. Now THAT'S the way you shame the dude who's trying to court your daughter. Harry, well done, you.


At the house, Lindzi and Mrs. Harry traded hyperbole about Lindzi's current dating situation. Lindzi said she saw a "forever future" with Ben. Mrs. Harry worried Lindzi might be headed toward "an end of the world heartbreak." Dang. 


Ben got some time with Mrs. Harry next. She explained she and Harry kept Lindzi focused on horses and drill team all her life. No boys were allowed. Oblivious of the implications of those comments, Ben asked Mrs. Harry if she thought Lindzi had healed from her recent heartbreak. After agreeing she had, Ben and Mrs. Harry hugged it out. 


Afterward, Ben got some one-on-one time with Harry and kinda sorta asked permission to marry Lindzi without coming right out and asking the question specifically. Harry deftly dodged Ben's weak attempt and told him he thought Ben was a nice man. Eat it, sucka. Ben summarized his conversations with Lindzi's parents by calling them "the salt of the earth." Upon hearing that, Harry strolled over and punched Ben in the face and asked him if he liked apples. Not really. That's what SHOULD have happened, though. What went down instead was an abrupt change of course where Harry proposed a toast, reiterated what a nice man Ben was and told him he and Mrs. Harry would be honored to have him as their son-in-law. So disappointing. After kissing Lindzi goodbye, Ben told us he might be falling in love with Lindzi, which is kind of important since, you know, he might be proposing to her in a couple weeks.


Ben's second hometown date took him to Clarkesville, TN where he was dropped off at a high school football stadium named, Buster Boguskie Field. Bewildered, Ben walked into the stadium as a marching band tuned up from the opposite end of the field. Behind the band was Kacie B, keeping in step and proudly twirling her baton. When the performance ended, Kacie B explained the field had been named after her grandfather, who was a former sporting goods salesman turned city councilman turned black market firearms dealer/mob boss (only two of those things are true). Unimpressed, Ben opened a bottle of wine at the top of the stadium bleachers and asked her to describe her parents. With horror, Ben glared at Kacie B as she told him her father was a no-nonsense, federal probation officer who did not drink alcohol. Ah oh.


From the moment they arrived at Kacie B's parents' house, a concrete wall of resistance pervaded the air. Kacie B's dad, Denny, and mother, Martha, were resolute in their firm coolness to the idea that their daughter was dating a philandering hippie boy from California. It was easily my favorite 15 minutes of the entire season. 


From the get-go, Denny was strategically unfriendly. He didn't laugh at any of Ben's stories and wore an obvious look of disgust on his face at all times. During their one-on-one time, Denny even went the extra mile to make Ben uncomfortable by dragging wooden chairs into the living room to sit and talk in as an unoccupied couch sat right behind them. It was a genius move, which I may or may not have stowed away for later just in case I end up with a daughter and I have to grill some unfortunate boy who wants to marry her one day.


Denny opened the interrogation with a simple question, "Explain why you like my daughter." Inexplicably unprepared, Ben fumbled around in his answer and ended up landing on two points: she's surprised him and she's a good communicator. Throughout Ben's response, Denny stared at him with piercing eyes while offering zero feedback other than the occasional, "mmmhhhmmm" and "hhhemmm." Ben countered with a question of his own and asked Denny if he was okay with "this." Denny told him he was skeptical and he didn't want them to rush into anything. Ben comforted him by saying he wouldn't rush the relationship. If Bachelor Ben had had any sense at all, he would've stopped and cut his losses right there, but he foolishly pressed ahead by telling Denny all about the feelings he had for his daughter, AS WELL AS the other three girls left in the contest. Disgusted, Denny commanded Ben to dump his daughter the moment he knew she was not to be his fiancee. Perplexed, Ben agreed.


Next, Ben got to spend a few minutes alone with Momma Martha. She wasted no time sweetly outlining her child-rearing philosophies. Apparently, Kacie B and her sister never ever had a babysitter growing up, because only Martha could teach them the values of integriteeee, communiteeee and courage. I had two reactions to this. One, Martha was clearly just as obscenely controlling as Denny. And two, I didn't realize babysitters were so powerfully influential. Are they the most grossly underpaid people in the world? Anyway. Back to Martha. She went on to say she wanted husbands for her daughters who had the same values she'd worked so hard to instil in them. Then, she dropped the hammer. She had a "serious problem" with Ben moving in together with Kacie B if he decided to give her the final rose. Stunned, Ben dodged the question and said he knew he and Kacie B's parents would never see eye-to-eye on everything they did. He went on to claim he was a man of values and he'd definitely ask their permission if he chose to propose to their daughter. Game. Set. Match. ...Courtney the Wicked.


Now, if you've been paying any attention at all this season, then you know it's been a two-horse race between Kacie B and Courtney the Wicked since the show's second or third week. You also know that Ben turns on a dime and runs from any real resistance or hardship of any kind. If you're hard-to-figure out (Rachel), crazy (Big Teeth Blakely (BTB)), not quite in it for the right reasons (Casey S), over-confident (Elyse), awkward (Jamie) or the arch nemesis of models (Emily), then you're doomed from the start. (You might counter by saying, "What about Courtney the Wicked?! She's messes with his head every week!" I'd counter your counter by saying she always gives him easy challenges he's able to win. There's no sustained confusion between them, because she's a bachelor genius. No matter whether or not you like her, you have to recognize the strategy she's used all along has been entirely bulletproof.) Again, by about episode three, it was crystal clear our 2012 Bachelor winner was going to be either Kacie B or Courtney the Wicked. CW even admitted she had a legitimate fear of Kacie B in several different episodes. The moment Bachelor Ben walked into Kacie B's house, however, Courtney the Wicked sealed her Bachelor victory. There was just no way Ben was going to deal with the kind of genuine opposition Kacie B's parents would've given him should he continue to date their daughter. And Kacie B had to know this as she walked him from her parents' house to his car and kissed him goodbye. (NOTE: if someone else ends up winning, please forget everything I just said.)


From Clarkesville, TN, Ben traveled to Fort Worth, TX, Nicki's hometown. The first place they visited was a cowboy apparel store (of course). As they tried on different cowboy boots and hats, Nicki told us she believed that, "Like a good pair of cowboy boots, I think I'm the best fit for Ben." True to form, both Ben and Nicki left the store looking as ridiculously touristy as possible in their gaudy shirts, gigantic belt buckles and sparkling new cowboy boots. After frightening the locals on the city sidewalks for a bit, Ben and Nicki ducked into a nearby salon and pounded a couple long island iced teas. From there, they walked to a park, found a bench, drank some wine and played the "tell me about your parents" game. Nicki admitted she was a daddy's girl. She also admitted neither her mom or pops spoke up loudly enough as she careened toward the disaster that was her first marriage. When the picnic ended, Nicki boldly told us, "Tonight is the most crucial night. Either it's welcome to the family or it's not in the cards for us." Giddy, I got excited about the possibility of a Denny & Martha 2.0 situation. 


My excitement was short-lived. Nicki's parents could not have been further away from Denny and Martha on the protectiveness spectrum. Nicki's mother, Laura, fawned over Ben immediately. Nicki's father, Doug, just seemed grateful to be there. Laughing, he asked Ben if he was ever able to get a word in with Nicki. Chuckling, Ben told him how much he liked the way Nicki communicates. (Why Ben used "good communicator" as his go-to answer for the parents on the hometown dates instead of tried-and-true descriptors like "beautiful," "caring," "intelligent," "honest," "funny" and "kind" will always be a mystery to me.)


When Doug got some alone time with Nicki, he tearfully apologized about giving his blessing the first time Nicki got married. He wished he had been firmer and he felt like he let her down. It was definitely "a moment." When the gang got back together at the dinner table, Doug gave a toast, called Ben a tremendous young man and told him he hoped to see much more of him in the future. Before leaving, Nicki told Ben she'd had "the best day" of her life and made sure he knew she was REALLY in love with him. As Ben's SUV rolled away, Nicki looked to the camera and asked, "Why wouldn't he want a future with me?" The answer to that question was, of course...


Courtney the Wicked. Ben ended the round of hometown dates by traveling to CW's hometown of Scottsdale, AZ. As she waited for Ben, CW said with a straight face she was very excited to share the day with her favorite guy, a guy, who, isn't like all the guys in her past who either hurt her or let her down. After embracing, the two went straight to her parents' house.


If I had to describe the parents we met in the hometown dates, I'd say Lindzi's parents were the most hospitable, Kacie B's were the most inflexible, Nicki's were the most pliable and CW's were the most mindful. They seemed to understand exactly who their daughter was. And so did CW's sister, Rachel. When, in their alone time together CW revealed to Rachel she'd gone skinny dipping with Ben in Puerto Rico, Rachel responded the same way she might have if CW had told her she drank a cup of coffee that morning after she got out of bed. She didn't blink. Her facial expression didn't change at all.


During Ben's one-on-one time with CW's dad, Rick, he listened as Rick asked the Jim Nantz-esque, I-prepared-this-last-night-as-I-brainstormed-in-a-notebook question, "Marriage is life's greatest gamble. And there's a 50% chance of winning. Are you willing to make that bet, Ben?" Keeping his perfect score of avoidance in tact, Ben dodged the question. Rick seemed for just a moment like he might press the issue, but relented and said he'd be happy to have Ben as a son-in-law. 


CW's time with her mother, Sherry, was my second-favorite part of the episode. CW tried to use her full bag of manipulation tricks by frequently interrupting Sherry with compliments and questions as Sherry started their discussion about Ben. Unfazed, Sherry continued on. She reminded CW she'd been right every single time on every single guy CW had ever dated. CW agreed and then explained how Ben made her feel special and appreciated. Sherry summarized the conversation by saying she liked Ben, she thought CW loved Ben and the two of them were very compatible. In the end, CW's entire family approved of Bachelor Ben and CW told us her faith in men had been restored! Fantastic! But, she wasn't finished.


In true Courtney the Wicked fashion, she was far from finished, actually. After family time, CW took Ben on picnic to one of the first places she had a photo shoot when her modeling career began taking off at the age of 17. She pointed to an outdoor wedding chapel in the corner of the park and told him it was time to get vulnerable. They strolled over to chapel, wrote some makeshift vows, walked down the aisle and exchanged thread rings. In CW's seemingly sincere vow, she nervously told Ben she was looking for "real, lasting, awesome love." And, she thought she'd found it with Ben. She ended the vow by telling him she was in love with him. They walked down the aisle, hopped into an SUV and rode off into the sunset as the words, "Almost Married," came into view on the SUV's back windshield. 


That's how the hometown dates are done folks. Do the family time first, one-on-one date second and end the whole thing by telling him you love him/her. I will now append CW's name and refer to her as Courtney the Wicked Bachelor Genius from here on out.


As the week culminated with the rose ceremony back in L.A., the outcome could not have been more obvious. Ben gave the three roses to CWBG, Lindzi and...Nicki. He faked his way through brokenheartedness as he escorted Kacie B to her limo. Once inside, Kacie B completely lost it. Here is pretty much her word-for-word reaction:


"Why does it have to hurt so bad?! I thought I knew what he was looking for, but I guess I was COMPLETELY wrong! I'm so upset. (indecipherable squealings) It's not me!! I thought it was me! Why am I not good enough! I don't get it. This is why I don't love...I don't...why?! How did this happen?! What the $%&# happened??"


At first I felt kinda bad for little Kacie B. But then I realized she came out ahead in the end. She would've resented her parents and maybe Ben, too, if she'd ended up with him. Unfortunately, I do think she's probably a lock for Bachelor Pad this summer. Oh well. She's going to be fine. Eventually.


Next week, Ben and the girls travel to beautiful Switzerland where a "surprise" guest intrudes unexpectedly. It's gotta be Emily, right?

Bachelor 2012: Week 7

(Author: Matthew)


In a shocker of shockers, the Bachelor began week seven with Ben flying in a puddle-hopper plane instead of a helicopter. From the tiny airplane, Ben hopped in a boat and drove that sucker like he was riding a bike all the way to the Coco Beach Resort in Belize. On the ride over, Ben told us his heart had been "captivated and captured" and he'd tell the girls exactly that when the time was right.


After the girls settled into their suites, Chris Harrison explained there would be three one-on-one dates with no roses and one group date with the week's only rose before the weekly cocktail party. He then delivered the first one-on-one date card, and after it was opened, the group discovered Lindzi would get the week's first one-on-one date. Nicki responded by tearfully saying, "It's really real now. And I'm scared. It's tough. It's really tough to see. It's tough."


After Ben grabbed Lindzi away for their date in front of the rest of the girls at the hotel pool, Emily compared the experience of seeing him walk away with another girl to a waiter giving her a sensational piece of cheesecake, then coming right back and taking her cheesecake away. Definitely a top-notch analogy. 


Ben and Lindzi flew over the ocean to a circular coral reef called, The Blue Hole, where he explained they would leap into from the helicopter. Terrified, Lindzi explained it would be okay to do something this stupid as long as it was for someone she loved. After surviving the jump, Ben told us "there's nothing I couldn't accomplish with Lindzi." As Ben and Lindzi talked about how big of a deal it would be to meet her parents, Courtney the Wicked told the rest of the girls at the hotel how she deserved the next one-on-one date as they all waited for the next date card to arrive. Kacie B responded by telling the camera how much CW sucks. To CW's disappointment, the next one-on-one date went to Emily.


Back at dinner, Lindzi and Ben quickly ran out of things to talk about, so they took turns exclaiming how awesome their "leap of faith" had been. Ben then decided to get epic and write a message in bottle about his and Lindzi's relationship. In the middle of their story writing, Lindzi told us, "Ben's a prince charming, because he IS a prince charming. He's my prince charming." (As soon as she finished this gem of a quote, I wondered if she and Nicki had made a bet to see if either one of them could say the same phrase three times in a row. America was the big winner if this bet was made.) Ben put an exclamation point on the end of the date by saying he had made Lindzi "an eternal promise" to be open and honest forever. Junior high kids can be so silly.


Before Emily left for her one-on-one date with Ben the next day, she made a point to talk about how excited she was in front of Courtney the Wicked. Upon leaving, she was taken to an airplane where she flew by herself to meet Ben on another part of Belize. Cecilia was NOT happy Ben was not in the plane to fly with her. After Emily's plane touched down, she and Ben hopped on bicycles and rode around the town doing touristy things like drinking coconut milk, playing basketball and dancing in the street. Emily loved how spontaneous it all was, including the totally-not-staged lobster-diving excursion later on in the afternoon. (Long story short: they went snorkeling for lobsters to eat for dinner and they each caught one! Hooray!)


Back at the hotel, Courtney the Wicked again talked about how uncomfortable she was with Ben's affections for Emily. She felt betrayed Ben had not taken up for her more when Emily had said such mean things about her. She then threatened to leave if she didn't get the week's final one-on-one date.


At the Lazy Lizard Beach Bar and Grill, Ben told Emily their time together felt "pretty right." Emily then formally invited him to meet her parents (an invitation he literally fished for from all the girls, consequently). He toasted her, called her beautiful and told her again how much he enjoyed spending time with her. The whole time this scene unfolded, I noticed Cecilia eyeballing the huge, untouched lobsters glistening on Ben's and Emily's plates. Somehow, another uneaten-lobster-tail crisis was averted at Creasman Manor. My luck is bound to change if these girls don't start mowing down their lobster tails, though. It's only a matter of time.


When Courtney the Wicked received the week's final one-on-one date, she pulled a 180 and acted like she never doubted it for a minute. Meanwhile, Kacie B told us she'd squash CW with no remorse if she were a spider. Well then.


From the moment CW's Mayan-ruins-exploration date with Ben began, he apologized profusely for not taking her out on a one-on-one date sooner. Again, CW seized the opportunity to make him squirm by questioning their connection and pouting about not getting to spend enough time with him. He encouraged her by saying how impressed he'd been with her all along. Yada, yada, yada. A lot of other junk happened on the date, but it's been the same story (CW fishes for compliments and affirmation, Ben gives them to her) every time they get together, so I'll skip to the best part. 


At dinner, CW threw the rest of the remaining girls under the bus. She played the victim and said they hadn't tried to get to know her even though she'd worked hard to get to know them. This wasn't a huge deal, however, because they were all "boring" and "vanilla" and she wouldn't be friends with them in real life anyway. In fact, she hated that she had to live with them at all. Surprised, Ben asked if she a lot of friends back home. CW responded by saying she had "good friends, a lot of guy friends." With that answer, Ben finally showed some concern. But, then he remembered she was a model and everything was okay in his mind again. CW finished her rant by saying she was used to being "the talent" at work and adapting to everything. She told Ben she was a woman. And the rest of the people in the contest were just girls.


At 4am the next morning, Ben broke into the girls' suite and roused Nicki, Rachel and Kacie B from bed. Clearly perturbed, Nicki and Rachel rushed to the bathroom to shave various body hair to make themselves presentable. After Ben corralled the girls onto a nearby boat he told them they were headed to Shark Alley, the highest concentrated area for sharks in Belize. Nicki and Kacie B shrieked in delight. Rachel turned ghost white. Ben eased her fears by holding her hand the whole time as the four of them snorkeled over a healthy collection of sharks and sting rays. With a straight face, Kacie B later explained she did not think of herself as a jealous person, but she did get jealous of Rachel that day.


When the four returned to the hotel, Ben took turns pressing the girls for personal invitations to their parents' homes. Each obliged. Kacie B invited him the best, because, well, she told him she was falling in love with him. When it was time to hand out the group-date rose, Ben told each girl how much he appreciated her and then awarded the rose to Kacie B. Everyone fell silent. Nicki addressed the awkwardness and then used the opportunity to trash talk Courtney the Wicked. Kacie B agreed with Nicki when she noticed Ben's surprise. Spying on the date from a balcony above, CW recognized that Kacie B had received the rose, but repeated her lack of concern for the third or fourth time because Kacie B was "a little girl in a little boy's body." Huh? 


At the cocktail party, Courtney the Wicked acted cool and over-confident as the rest of the girls dreaded the rose ceremony to come. CW told the group to enjoy their pina coladas and loosen up, because, "Ben isn't the only guy in the world." She added she'd be fine if it was her time to go, because she was kind of ready to leave. Stunned and incredulous, the other five girls looked at each other like CW had just told them all she was hiding a third leg. Chris Harrison appeared and further ruined the already dark mood by explaining Ben had chosen to forgo the cocktail party and march straight to the rose ceremony.


After the girls lined up, Ben asked if he could speak privately to Courtney the Wicked. Noticeable excitement spread through the other five girls as Ben asked CW to reaffirm her feelings for him. When they returned to the group, the rest of the girls could not hide their excitement at the possibility that CW might finally be going home. The excitement would be short-lived. With Kacie B already holding her rose, Ben gave the remaining three roses to Nicki, Lindzi and Courtney the Wicked. As CW pranced back from Ben with rose in hand, she evilly cut her eyes at Emily and took a deep sniff of her hard-earned reward. Rachel and Emily left quickly. Both left dejected, but neither let Ben see completely the level of their devastation. During the scenes-from-next-week montage at the end of the show, Courtney the Wicked's dad delivered this memorable line to Ben, "Marriage is life's greatest gamble." Of course he's wrong, Ben...assuming you end up proposing to Lindzi, Nicki or Kacie B.