Suits & Hummingbirds

Woah... seriously?  Where have we been?  It's been so so long since we have written on this and for that I apologize.  To be honest, the summer has just gotten away from us.  We have had a great summer, but it's been so busy.  Graduations, birthdays, church events, baby showers, engagement parties, wedding showers, dance rehearsals, MY BIRTHDAY (which was amazing), June Christmas, work, etc... it's been exhausting, but so so good.  Matthew and I are blessed to have a full calendar and our family and friends to share our life with, and we are thankful.  But.  We are tired. :)


Because the summer has been crazy for us, there are two things that Matthew and I have found our "rest" in.

1.  Suits

we love Harvey Spector (on the left).  Matthew and I plowed through the first season on NetFlix and were immediately hooked.  We are now "caught up" and we wait patiently each week for the next episode.  This week is the season 2 finale, and I'm not sure what we are going to do with ourselves on Thursday nights while it takes a break.  

Basically Suits is about Harvey Spector, who is a top attorney in Manhattan that is known as the best closer.  Mike Ross (on the right) is a punk kid that has a photographic memory.  Because of this, he never went to law school, but has passed the bar and the LSAT.  Harvey winds up hiring him to be his wingman and the two make an amazing duo that wins cases for a big law firm in NY.  

Harvey's rival is named Lewis Litt... Lewis is extremely jealous of Harvey and it seems like his number one priority is to make Harvey's (+ everyone else around him) life miserable.  Matthew and I recommend this show to anyone.  As someone that doesn't get invested in dramatic TV series, I can say that I'm hooked.  I would say watch the Pilot first, that way you can understand what the series is based on.  

2.  Hummingbirds

yes.  I've told ya'll before we are 60 years old.  And we have come to embrace it.  don't judge.  It started off with me having one hummingbird feeder on the back porch.  Hummingbirds are a bit nostalgic for me, because my grandmother LOVES them, I to this day I go over to her house and watch her humming birds.  Well, one feeder turned into three and so many evenings we find ourselves on the back porch, in the rocking chairs, watching the birds fight over the feeders.  This morning we woke up to 15-20 birds going crazy over the feeders.  So of course, I did what any 60 year old soul would do... i made a cup of coffee and pulled out my camera.  

aren't they so cute???  Matthew and I have names for some of them.  I'll introduce you.  There is one that I don't have a picture of yet.  I'll try to get one,  his name is Gary.  Gary is... well... substantially bigger than all of the other hummingbirds.  We aren't sure if he is really old, or if he is just well-fed, but he's huge.    I'll try to get his picture soon.

And this one is Lewis.  Lewis Litt.  (from Suits, see above)

why did we choose Lewis for him?  Because he is a punk.  Let me show you...

these are our 3 feeders... notice anything?

the one in the middle is almost empty and the one on the left is well on it's way.  but look at the one on the right...and look WHO is sitting there... LEWIS.

ALL day he SITS on that feeder, he doesn't eat... he SITS.  and he guards it.  he doesn't let ANY other bird come near it, if they do, he quickly charges them and runs them off.  He is a pain in the rear end...and therefore, he gets the name Lewis.

This is Donna.  Donna is also from a Suits reference.  

Donna Paulsen from Suits is Harvey Spector's assistant.  She knows EVERYTHING in the office and she is hilarious.  and nosey.

So the reason this bird got the name Donna is she is ALL up in our business.  Every time we watch at the window she flies up to the window and stares into our soul.  It's like she wants to know why we are standing there, what we want, and when are we going to leave her alone to do her work.  Just like Donna Paulsen!


We also have a hummingbird that has a mo-hawk.  but I haven't gotten his picture yet.  and i think we named him Rufio from Hook.

Anyways.  I know I just took a lot of your time, carrying on about our birds.  I seriously feel like I'm 60. But to Matthew's point, these days won't be forever.  One day we will have kids to chase around and we will remember the quiet mornings we had that were just us two :)  So for now, we will soak them in, and we will find rest in the small things.

Elevation has officially started for the fall and Matthew and I are looking forward to meeting new students and helping them find their place in what God is calling them to do.  Matthew and I LOVE our place in Elevation.  We love our leaders and we love the staff.  We both feel very strong about pouring into college students, because for us, it's where both of our lives were radically changed by God.  This summer, NLC hosted a student conference called Collide, that consisted of 7 grade-college students, coming together to learn and worship God all at the same time.  This year was the first year NLC hosted anything like this and it was a success!  1300 students of all different ages were under one roof and it was a blast.  You can check out the speakers and more details about it here:
http://www.collidestudentconference

oh and if anyone wants to come for a hummingbird viewing, just let us know.  haha.

Happy Easter

Subway Art courtesy of Willow Wonder

Bachelor 2012: Week 8

(Author: Matthew)


It's no secret The Bachelor is formulaic. If you've watched the show for more than a season, you know what you're getting each episode. Although the people and date scenarios change year to year, the weekly outcomes are basically the same. That's why, after the season premier, my second-favorite show each year is always the one where the bachelor/bachelorette goes on hometown dates with the final four contestants. These dates provide the greatest potential for the "plot" to go off script. Sure, parents of the contestants almost always cave and give the bachelor/bachelorette their blessing in the end, but sometimes they act like actual parents. And they ask real questions actual parents would ask. More on this later.


The week opened in the alligator-infested swamps of Ocala, FL where Bachelor Ben met Lindzi at a private horse-racing track. Seeing Lindzi gallop up to him reminded Ben of his father and the one time they rode horses together. As Ben explained he never thought horses would become a major part of his life, Lindzi told us, "Horses have been in my life since before I was born." Uh. Okay. 


Ben continued his quest to see all his shorties "open up" to him by pressing Lindzi to talk about her long-term relationship that ended before she came on the show. She admitted to shacking up with her ex. She also explained her parents didn't like the guy, but she didn't care. Neither of those two monstrous red flags bothered Ben one bit. After her confession, Ben said with satisfaction, "I needed to hear that from her. I needed to hear that." He went on to praise Lindzi for her "soft, sweet side." And Lindzi responded by saying she was completely ready for marriage. It was just as confusing to watch as it was for you to read just now.


When this epic, "opening-up" discussion ended, the two left their shaded meadow by the horse track and hopped onto a chariot-like carriage for a short horsey ride through the woods to Lindzi's parents' house. Rich people alert! As their chariot turned the corner onto a pristine gravel driveway, we saw her parents waiting for them and sipping chardonay underneath a tree in a couple of outdoor lounge chairs. While I never caught Lindzi's mother's name, I know her dad's name was Harry, because Ben took every single opportunity he got to condescendingly call him by his first name. Punk. 


After gulping down a couple glasses of chardonay, Harry wiped his mouth, stood up, and challenged Ben to a carriage race. He told Ben he would be PEEEE-nalized if he didn't talk trash during the horse battle. Not surprisingly, Harry and Mrs. Harry smoked Lindzi and Ben in the race. As punishment for finishing second, Harry made Ben and Lindzi put the horses in the stable and then pull one of the horse carriages to the house as he and Mrs. Harry proudly sat inside it. Now THAT'S the way you shame the dude who's trying to court your daughter. Harry, well done, you.


At the house, Lindzi and Mrs. Harry traded hyperbole about Lindzi's current dating situation. Lindzi said she saw a "forever future" with Ben. Mrs. Harry worried Lindzi might be headed toward "an end of the world heartbreak." Dang. 


Ben got some time with Mrs. Harry next. She explained she and Harry kept Lindzi focused on horses and drill team all her life. No boys were allowed. Oblivious of the implications of those comments, Ben asked Mrs. Harry if she thought Lindzi had healed from her recent heartbreak. After agreeing she had, Ben and Mrs. Harry hugged it out. 


Afterward, Ben got some one-on-one time with Harry and kinda sorta asked permission to marry Lindzi without coming right out and asking the question specifically. Harry deftly dodged Ben's weak attempt and told him he thought Ben was a nice man. Eat it, sucka. Ben summarized his conversations with Lindzi's parents by calling them "the salt of the earth." Upon hearing that, Harry strolled over and punched Ben in the face and asked him if he liked apples. Not really. That's what SHOULD have happened, though. What went down instead was an abrupt change of course where Harry proposed a toast, reiterated what a nice man Ben was and told him he and Mrs. Harry would be honored to have him as their son-in-law. So disappointing. After kissing Lindzi goodbye, Ben told us he might be falling in love with Lindzi, which is kind of important since, you know, he might be proposing to her in a couple weeks.


Ben's second hometown date took him to Clarkesville, TN where he was dropped off at a high school football stadium named, Buster Boguskie Field. Bewildered, Ben walked into the stadium as a marching band tuned up from the opposite end of the field. Behind the band was Kacie B, keeping in step and proudly twirling her baton. When the performance ended, Kacie B explained the field had been named after her grandfather, who was a former sporting goods salesman turned city councilman turned black market firearms dealer/mob boss (only two of those things are true). Unimpressed, Ben opened a bottle of wine at the top of the stadium bleachers and asked her to describe her parents. With horror, Ben glared at Kacie B as she told him her father was a no-nonsense, federal probation officer who did not drink alcohol. Ah oh.


From the moment they arrived at Kacie B's parents' house, a concrete wall of resistance pervaded the air. Kacie B's dad, Denny, and mother, Martha, were resolute in their firm coolness to the idea that their daughter was dating a philandering hippie boy from California. It was easily my favorite 15 minutes of the entire season. 


From the get-go, Denny was strategically unfriendly. He didn't laugh at any of Ben's stories and wore an obvious look of disgust on his face at all times. During their one-on-one time, Denny even went the extra mile to make Ben uncomfortable by dragging wooden chairs into the living room to sit and talk in as an unoccupied couch sat right behind them. It was a genius move, which I may or may not have stowed away for later just in case I end up with a daughter and I have to grill some unfortunate boy who wants to marry her one day.


Denny opened the interrogation with a simple question, "Explain why you like my daughter." Inexplicably unprepared, Ben fumbled around in his answer and ended up landing on two points: she's surprised him and she's a good communicator. Throughout Ben's response, Denny stared at him with piercing eyes while offering zero feedback other than the occasional, "mmmhhhmmm" and "hhhemmm." Ben countered with a question of his own and asked Denny if he was okay with "this." Denny told him he was skeptical and he didn't want them to rush into anything. Ben comforted him by saying he wouldn't rush the relationship. If Bachelor Ben had had any sense at all, he would've stopped and cut his losses right there, but he foolishly pressed ahead by telling Denny all about the feelings he had for his daughter, AS WELL AS the other three girls left in the contest. Disgusted, Denny commanded Ben to dump his daughter the moment he knew she was not to be his fiancee. Perplexed, Ben agreed.


Next, Ben got to spend a few minutes alone with Momma Martha. She wasted no time sweetly outlining her child-rearing philosophies. Apparently, Kacie B and her sister never ever had a babysitter growing up, because only Martha could teach them the values of integriteeee, communiteeee and courage. I had two reactions to this. One, Martha was clearly just as obscenely controlling as Denny. And two, I didn't realize babysitters were so powerfully influential. Are they the most grossly underpaid people in the world? Anyway. Back to Martha. She went on to say she wanted husbands for her daughters who had the same values she'd worked so hard to instil in them. Then, she dropped the hammer. She had a "serious problem" with Ben moving in together with Kacie B if he decided to give her the final rose. Stunned, Ben dodged the question and said he knew he and Kacie B's parents would never see eye-to-eye on everything they did. He went on to claim he was a man of values and he'd definitely ask their permission if he chose to propose to their daughter. Game. Set. Match. ...Courtney the Wicked.


Now, if you've been paying any attention at all this season, then you know it's been a two-horse race between Kacie B and Courtney the Wicked since the show's second or third week. You also know that Ben turns on a dime and runs from any real resistance or hardship of any kind. If you're hard-to-figure out (Rachel), crazy (Big Teeth Blakely (BTB)), not quite in it for the right reasons (Casey S), over-confident (Elyse), awkward (Jamie) or the arch nemesis of models (Emily), then you're doomed from the start. (You might counter by saying, "What about Courtney the Wicked?! She's messes with his head every week!" I'd counter your counter by saying she always gives him easy challenges he's able to win. There's no sustained confusion between them, because she's a bachelor genius. No matter whether or not you like her, you have to recognize the strategy she's used all along has been entirely bulletproof.) Again, by about episode three, it was crystal clear our 2012 Bachelor winner was going to be either Kacie B or Courtney the Wicked. CW even admitted she had a legitimate fear of Kacie B in several different episodes. The moment Bachelor Ben walked into Kacie B's house, however, Courtney the Wicked sealed her Bachelor victory. There was just no way Ben was going to deal with the kind of genuine opposition Kacie B's parents would've given him should he continue to date their daughter. And Kacie B had to know this as she walked him from her parents' house to his car and kissed him goodbye. (NOTE: if someone else ends up winning, please forget everything I just said.)


From Clarkesville, TN, Ben traveled to Fort Worth, TX, Nicki's hometown. The first place they visited was a cowboy apparel store (of course). As they tried on different cowboy boots and hats, Nicki told us she believed that, "Like a good pair of cowboy boots, I think I'm the best fit for Ben." True to form, both Ben and Nicki left the store looking as ridiculously touristy as possible in their gaudy shirts, gigantic belt buckles and sparkling new cowboy boots. After frightening the locals on the city sidewalks for a bit, Ben and Nicki ducked into a nearby salon and pounded a couple long island iced teas. From there, they walked to a park, found a bench, drank some wine and played the "tell me about your parents" game. Nicki admitted she was a daddy's girl. She also admitted neither her mom or pops spoke up loudly enough as she careened toward the disaster that was her first marriage. When the picnic ended, Nicki boldly told us, "Tonight is the most crucial night. Either it's welcome to the family or it's not in the cards for us." Giddy, I got excited about the possibility of a Denny & Martha 2.0 situation. 


My excitement was short-lived. Nicki's parents could not have been further away from Denny and Martha on the protectiveness spectrum. Nicki's mother, Laura, fawned over Ben immediately. Nicki's father, Doug, just seemed grateful to be there. Laughing, he asked Ben if he was ever able to get a word in with Nicki. Chuckling, Ben told him how much he liked the way Nicki communicates. (Why Ben used "good communicator" as his go-to answer for the parents on the hometown dates instead of tried-and-true descriptors like "beautiful," "caring," "intelligent," "honest," "funny" and "kind" will always be a mystery to me.)


When Doug got some alone time with Nicki, he tearfully apologized about giving his blessing the first time Nicki got married. He wished he had been firmer and he felt like he let her down. It was definitely "a moment." When the gang got back together at the dinner table, Doug gave a toast, called Ben a tremendous young man and told him he hoped to see much more of him in the future. Before leaving, Nicki told Ben she'd had "the best day" of her life and made sure he knew she was REALLY in love with him. As Ben's SUV rolled away, Nicki looked to the camera and asked, "Why wouldn't he want a future with me?" The answer to that question was, of course...


Courtney the Wicked. Ben ended the round of hometown dates by traveling to CW's hometown of Scottsdale, AZ. As she waited for Ben, CW said with a straight face she was very excited to share the day with her favorite guy, a guy, who, isn't like all the guys in her past who either hurt her or let her down. After embracing, the two went straight to her parents' house.


If I had to describe the parents we met in the hometown dates, I'd say Lindzi's parents were the most hospitable, Kacie B's were the most inflexible, Nicki's were the most pliable and CW's were the most mindful. They seemed to understand exactly who their daughter was. And so did CW's sister, Rachel. When, in their alone time together CW revealed to Rachel she'd gone skinny dipping with Ben in Puerto Rico, Rachel responded the same way she might have if CW had told her she drank a cup of coffee that morning after she got out of bed. She didn't blink. Her facial expression didn't change at all.


During Ben's one-on-one time with CW's dad, Rick, he listened as Rick asked the Jim Nantz-esque, I-prepared-this-last-night-as-I-brainstormed-in-a-notebook question, "Marriage is life's greatest gamble. And there's a 50% chance of winning. Are you willing to make that bet, Ben?" Keeping his perfect score of avoidance in tact, Ben dodged the question. Rick seemed for just a moment like he might press the issue, but relented and said he'd be happy to have Ben as a son-in-law. 


CW's time with her mother, Sherry, was my second-favorite part of the episode. CW tried to use her full bag of manipulation tricks by frequently interrupting Sherry with compliments and questions as Sherry started their discussion about Ben. Unfazed, Sherry continued on. She reminded CW she'd been right every single time on every single guy CW had ever dated. CW agreed and then explained how Ben made her feel special and appreciated. Sherry summarized the conversation by saying she liked Ben, she thought CW loved Ben and the two of them were very compatible. In the end, CW's entire family approved of Bachelor Ben and CW told us her faith in men had been restored! Fantastic! But, she wasn't finished.


In true Courtney the Wicked fashion, she was far from finished, actually. After family time, CW took Ben on picnic to one of the first places she had a photo shoot when her modeling career began taking off at the age of 17. She pointed to an outdoor wedding chapel in the corner of the park and told him it was time to get vulnerable. They strolled over to chapel, wrote some makeshift vows, walked down the aisle and exchanged thread rings. In CW's seemingly sincere vow, she nervously told Ben she was looking for "real, lasting, awesome love." And, she thought she'd found it with Ben. She ended the vow by telling him she was in love with him. They walked down the aisle, hopped into an SUV and rode off into the sunset as the words, "Almost Married," came into view on the SUV's back windshield. 


That's how the hometown dates are done folks. Do the family time first, one-on-one date second and end the whole thing by telling him you love him/her. I will now append CW's name and refer to her as Courtney the Wicked Bachelor Genius from here on out.


As the week culminated with the rose ceremony back in L.A., the outcome could not have been more obvious. Ben gave the three roses to CWBG, Lindzi and...Nicki. He faked his way through brokenheartedness as he escorted Kacie B to her limo. Once inside, Kacie B completely lost it. Here is pretty much her word-for-word reaction:


"Why does it have to hurt so bad?! I thought I knew what he was looking for, but I guess I was COMPLETELY wrong! I'm so upset. (indecipherable squealings) It's not me!! I thought it was me! Why am I not good enough! I don't get it. This is why I don't love...I don't...why?! How did this happen?! What the $%&# happened??"


At first I felt kinda bad for little Kacie B. But then I realized she came out ahead in the end. She would've resented her parents and maybe Ben, too, if she'd ended up with him. Unfortunately, I do think she's probably a lock for Bachelor Pad this summer. Oh well. She's going to be fine. Eventually.


Next week, Ben and the girls travel to beautiful Switzerland where a "surprise" guest intrudes unexpectedly. It's gotta be Emily, right?

Bachelor 2012: Week 7

(Author: Matthew)


In a shocker of shockers, the Bachelor began week seven with Ben flying in a puddle-hopper plane instead of a helicopter. From the tiny airplane, Ben hopped in a boat and drove that sucker like he was riding a bike all the way to the Coco Beach Resort in Belize. On the ride over, Ben told us his heart had been "captivated and captured" and he'd tell the girls exactly that when the time was right.


After the girls settled into their suites, Chris Harrison explained there would be three one-on-one dates with no roses and one group date with the week's only rose before the weekly cocktail party. He then delivered the first one-on-one date card, and after it was opened, the group discovered Lindzi would get the week's first one-on-one date. Nicki responded by tearfully saying, "It's really real now. And I'm scared. It's tough. It's really tough to see. It's tough."


After Ben grabbed Lindzi away for their date in front of the rest of the girls at the hotel pool, Emily compared the experience of seeing him walk away with another girl to a waiter giving her a sensational piece of cheesecake, then coming right back and taking her cheesecake away. Definitely a top-notch analogy. 


Ben and Lindzi flew over the ocean to a circular coral reef called, The Blue Hole, where he explained they would leap into from the helicopter. Terrified, Lindzi explained it would be okay to do something this stupid as long as it was for someone she loved. After surviving the jump, Ben told us "there's nothing I couldn't accomplish with Lindzi." As Ben and Lindzi talked about how big of a deal it would be to meet her parents, Courtney the Wicked told the rest of the girls at the hotel how she deserved the next one-on-one date as they all waited for the next date card to arrive. Kacie B responded by telling the camera how much CW sucks. To CW's disappointment, the next one-on-one date went to Emily.


Back at dinner, Lindzi and Ben quickly ran out of things to talk about, so they took turns exclaiming how awesome their "leap of faith" had been. Ben then decided to get epic and write a message in bottle about his and Lindzi's relationship. In the middle of their story writing, Lindzi told us, "Ben's a prince charming, because he IS a prince charming. He's my prince charming." (As soon as she finished this gem of a quote, I wondered if she and Nicki had made a bet to see if either one of them could say the same phrase three times in a row. America was the big winner if this bet was made.) Ben put an exclamation point on the end of the date by saying he had made Lindzi "an eternal promise" to be open and honest forever. Junior high kids can be so silly.


Before Emily left for her one-on-one date with Ben the next day, she made a point to talk about how excited she was in front of Courtney the Wicked. Upon leaving, she was taken to an airplane where she flew by herself to meet Ben on another part of Belize. Cecilia was NOT happy Ben was not in the plane to fly with her. After Emily's plane touched down, she and Ben hopped on bicycles and rode around the town doing touristy things like drinking coconut milk, playing basketball and dancing in the street. Emily loved how spontaneous it all was, including the totally-not-staged lobster-diving excursion later on in the afternoon. (Long story short: they went snorkeling for lobsters to eat for dinner and they each caught one! Hooray!)


Back at the hotel, Courtney the Wicked again talked about how uncomfortable she was with Ben's affections for Emily. She felt betrayed Ben had not taken up for her more when Emily had said such mean things about her. She then threatened to leave if she didn't get the week's final one-on-one date.


At the Lazy Lizard Beach Bar and Grill, Ben told Emily their time together felt "pretty right." Emily then formally invited him to meet her parents (an invitation he literally fished for from all the girls, consequently). He toasted her, called her beautiful and told her again how much he enjoyed spending time with her. The whole time this scene unfolded, I noticed Cecilia eyeballing the huge, untouched lobsters glistening on Ben's and Emily's plates. Somehow, another uneaten-lobster-tail crisis was averted at Creasman Manor. My luck is bound to change if these girls don't start mowing down their lobster tails, though. It's only a matter of time.


When Courtney the Wicked received the week's final one-on-one date, she pulled a 180 and acted like she never doubted it for a minute. Meanwhile, Kacie B told us she'd squash CW with no remorse if she were a spider. Well then.


From the moment CW's Mayan-ruins-exploration date with Ben began, he apologized profusely for not taking her out on a one-on-one date sooner. Again, CW seized the opportunity to make him squirm by questioning their connection and pouting about not getting to spend enough time with him. He encouraged her by saying how impressed he'd been with her all along. Yada, yada, yada. A lot of other junk happened on the date, but it's been the same story (CW fishes for compliments and affirmation, Ben gives them to her) every time they get together, so I'll skip to the best part. 


At dinner, CW threw the rest of the remaining girls under the bus. She played the victim and said they hadn't tried to get to know her even though she'd worked hard to get to know them. This wasn't a huge deal, however, because they were all "boring" and "vanilla" and she wouldn't be friends with them in real life anyway. In fact, she hated that she had to live with them at all. Surprised, Ben asked if she a lot of friends back home. CW responded by saying she had "good friends, a lot of guy friends." With that answer, Ben finally showed some concern. But, then he remembered she was a model and everything was okay in his mind again. CW finished her rant by saying she was used to being "the talent" at work and adapting to everything. She told Ben she was a woman. And the rest of the people in the contest were just girls.


At 4am the next morning, Ben broke into the girls' suite and roused Nicki, Rachel and Kacie B from bed. Clearly perturbed, Nicki and Rachel rushed to the bathroom to shave various body hair to make themselves presentable. After Ben corralled the girls onto a nearby boat he told them they were headed to Shark Alley, the highest concentrated area for sharks in Belize. Nicki and Kacie B shrieked in delight. Rachel turned ghost white. Ben eased her fears by holding her hand the whole time as the four of them snorkeled over a healthy collection of sharks and sting rays. With a straight face, Kacie B later explained she did not think of herself as a jealous person, but she did get jealous of Rachel that day.


When the four returned to the hotel, Ben took turns pressing the girls for personal invitations to their parents' homes. Each obliged. Kacie B invited him the best, because, well, she told him she was falling in love with him. When it was time to hand out the group-date rose, Ben told each girl how much he appreciated her and then awarded the rose to Kacie B. Everyone fell silent. Nicki addressed the awkwardness and then used the opportunity to trash talk Courtney the Wicked. Kacie B agreed with Nicki when she noticed Ben's surprise. Spying on the date from a balcony above, CW recognized that Kacie B had received the rose, but repeated her lack of concern for the third or fourth time because Kacie B was "a little girl in a little boy's body." Huh? 


At the cocktail party, Courtney the Wicked acted cool and over-confident as the rest of the girls dreaded the rose ceremony to come. CW told the group to enjoy their pina coladas and loosen up, because, "Ben isn't the only guy in the world." She added she'd be fine if it was her time to go, because she was kind of ready to leave. Stunned and incredulous, the other five girls looked at each other like CW had just told them all she was hiding a third leg. Chris Harrison appeared and further ruined the already dark mood by explaining Ben had chosen to forgo the cocktail party and march straight to the rose ceremony.


After the girls lined up, Ben asked if he could speak privately to Courtney the Wicked. Noticeable excitement spread through the other five girls as Ben asked CW to reaffirm her feelings for him. When they returned to the group, the rest of the girls could not hide their excitement at the possibility that CW might finally be going home. The excitement would be short-lived. With Kacie B already holding her rose, Ben gave the remaining three roses to Nicki, Lindzi and Courtney the Wicked. As CW pranced back from Ben with rose in hand, she evilly cut her eyes at Emily and took a deep sniff of her hard-earned reward. Rachel and Emily left quickly. Both left dejected, but neither let Ben see completely the level of their devastation. During the scenes-from-next-week montage at the end of the show, Courtney the Wicked's dad delivered this memorable line to Ben, "Marriage is life's greatest gamble." Of course he's wrong, Ben...assuming you end up proposing to Lindzi, Nicki or Kacie B.

Bachelor 2012: Week 6

(Author: Matthew)


Week six of the 2012 Bachelor season took us to the jungly, skyscrapery land of Panama City, Panama. Less than three minutes into the episode, Courtney the Wicked reminded us she had gone skinny dipping. With Ben. Just last week. In Puerto Rico. 


In an unusual turn of events, it was Ben, and not Chris Harrison, who personally delivered the week's first date card after the girls had settled into their suite at the Trump Ocean Club hotel. No explanation was given for Harrison's absence, but I'm positive he was doing important investigative work for a crucial segment that would take place later in the show. After Ben left the suite, the date card was read aloud, and to Kacie B's delight, the week's first one-on-one date went to her, along with instructions that she should "bring three things."


As Ben and Kacie B walked to the helicopter the next morning at the start of their one-on-one date, Cecilia and I paused the DVR so we could fully appreciate Ben's technicolor wardrobe. He sported a royal-blue T-shirt, orange shorts and green sneakers. Say what you want about him, Ben never cares to hide the fact that he's a stereotypical-American goober on vacation. He hasn't let us down yet. 


The helicopter dropped off the pair on a deserted island, so they could be completely alone with the camera crew who had been waiting for them to arrive. When asked to produce the three things she had brought with her, Kacie B handed Ben a toy monkey, a combination corkscrew knife and a bag of candy. Utterly disappointed she had failed to take their game of Cast Away seriously, Ben showed Kacie B his machete, fishing net and matches. (Note: although it was never explained how the bottle of wine and wine glasses in the very next sequence got to the island, I'm choosing to believe the hooch was hidden there by the same rum runners who stocked the hidden cache full of liquor on the island where Barbossa exiled Jack Sparrow and Elizabeth Swann.) 


Immediately, Ben went to work jump hacking coconuts on trees with his machete. It was almost as ludicrous as his "baseball" performance the week before. We never got to hear Kacie B say anything during Ben's manliness montage because she was too busy trying extra hard not to laugh at him. Later, she lied and said Ben's Robinson Crusoe impression was hot, even though it was 100% ludicrous. Somehow, they later snagged a fish with Ben's net (which must have been laced with some sort of irresistible fish heroin). As they ate their catch, Ben talked about how much he liked Kacie B because "she just goes with the flow."


As the date advanced to dinner, Ben told us he was looking forward "to diving in deep" that night with Kacie B. After Ben prompted her to talk about herself, she said she was a woman who was always on the move and doing things. When asked to explain what those things were, Kacie B said, "Oh, you know, like going to the grocery store, cooking, working out, spending time with friends, seeing my family." Has a girl ever centered her life around grocery shopping more than Kacie B? If you told me, "yes," I would never believe you.


In the middle of Kacie B's couponing stories, another date card arrived at the hotel suite. All the girls' names were called for the week's group date except for Big Teeth Blakely's (BTB) and Rachel's, which meant, they were destined for the dreaded two-on-one, head-to-head date. Rachel was genuinely nervous. Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) was supremely, inexplicably overconfident. 


Back at the one-on-one date, Kacie B got serious as she told Ben she had struggled with an eating disorder for a year during high school. Ben loved this. Not that Kacie B had battled an eating disorder, but that she had "opened up" to him. He's real big about "opening up." He always tells the girls to "open up." So, for "opening up," Ben gave Kacie B the one-on-one date rose. Afterward, Kacie B said, "on a scale of 1 to wonderful, today was fantastic." What does that even mean? Is she saying fantastic is better than wonderful? How does she get to make that call? Can we vote on this?


The next day, Ben commandeered a flat-bottom boat to take his ladies cruising in the Chargres River so they could "explore Panama and rivers and jungles and go into the wild." As he pulled up to the bank, Jamie explained to us that driving a boat is like riding a bike for Ben. Somehow, this would not be Jamie's most ridiculous moment of the show. Ben drove the ladies to a tourist trap known as Embera Village where natives wore only loin cloths and beaded necklaces and body paint. Upon arrival, the villagers grabbed Ben and the girls and threw them into huts, where they were forced to change out of their modern clothes and into the tribal uniforms of the village. While most of the girls took turns complimenting Ben on how good his flabby abs looked, Courtney the Wicked took a different path and decided to go topless. Because Ben loves everything CW does, he quickly approved of her wardrobe decision.


When their time with the fake natives ended, Ben and the girls went back to the Trump Ocean Club hotel where they enjoyed a private rooftop party. During some alone time with Lindzi, Ben told her how much he enjoyed her easy-going attitude. Lindzi explained, "I don't believe in fighting." Ben's admiration quickly vanished as Lindzi went on to add, "but, I have cried over you." Somewhere, out of view of the cameras, Kacie B nodded in agreement. 


Afterward, Courtney the Wicked tried her same-old tricks and did the ole I-Like-You-But-Sometimes-I'm-Not-Sure-Because-You-Don't-Spend-Enough-Time-With-Me routine. In the middle of her tired act, she reminded Ben about their skinny dipping a couple of times and then upped the ante by giving Ben her hotel room number and offering him her bed if he wanted to "lay down" at the end of the long day.


Next, Jamie got a turn with Ben. Since she hadn't kissed him yet, she went into her meeting with the sole purpose of mugging down. As they talked on a couch, CW stripped down to her bikini and splashed around in the pool behind them like an uncoordinated mongoose. Rattled, Jamie couldn't pull off the nerve to make her move. 


Following Jamie's debacle, Emily spent some alone with Ben. He asked her if the CW stuff was behind them, and Emily very adeptly answered that it was without even once saying CW's name. When Emily returned to the girls, she apologized to Courtney the Wicked, who appreciated Emily's directness. Even so, CW told her she would never respect her and they'd never be friends. As Jamie tried to play mediator, CW interrupted and got gangsta about how big of a deal it was for her to be disrespected. Right after she finished her rapper-like diatribe on the delicate nature of disrespect, Ben grabbed the group-date rose so he could give it to Lindzi. Irate, CW sighed and stormed off to her room where she reapplied her makeup and awaited Ben for a nightcap. She waited. And waited. And waited some more. Eventually, when it became clear Ben would not accept her invitation, she sullenly explained she'd constantly been disappointed by men. Her sincerity was a little less than believable.


When the day of the two-on-one date arrived, Ben took the girls to a latin dancing club where they met an instructor named, Hellimmmeejayyymes. Before the dancing lessons got underway, Ben told us he couldn't figure out which girl he had more chemistry with. Rachel got the first crack at dancing with Ben. She accomplished herself well enough. When BTB took her turn, she tried to be as dirty as possible. In what had to be an even more awkward situation than it appeared, Rachel looked on disgustedly as BTB demonstrated various ways of wrapping herself around Ben. The performance culminated with Rachel telling us she hated "how sexual BTB's dancing" was.


Later on that evening at dinner, the awkwardness had morphed into angry tension. Ben first took some one-on-one time with Rachel. During their alone time together, Rachel didn't do much to prove her case for the lone two-on-one date rose, but she did nothing to damage her chances either. This was crucially important, because Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) would set the gold standard for desperate craziness as soon as Ben came back to the dinner table to get her. 


The moment Ben and Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) sat down together, things got weird. BTB began by telling Ben, "For the first time, I really feel something with someone. I really feel it." In the very next breath she complained she didn't get enough one-on-one time with Ben. Then she started crying, because, she explained, she didn't want to lose him before he had gotten the chance to really get to know her. BTB then handed Ben a journal of her own construction with his name written on it in big flowy letters surrounded by different descriptions about him and their "relationship." She opened the journal to show Ben several collages of words and pictures she'd cut out of magazines that symbolized the true nature of her infatuation with him as well as the deep and obvious bond they shared. While Ben was noticeably freaked out that BTB had made him such a creepy memento, I'd bet you he was just as equally confused that the journal looked like it had been made by a second grader. 


When Ben and Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) returned to the dinner table, he promptly gave the rose to Rachel. BTB stood up and dashed out of the restaurant. When Ben finally caught up with her in the street, he twisted the dagger further by telling her he had to send her home because the relationships he had with the other women were "so far past" what he had with her. 


The next day, the girls were lounging around in their hotel suite when Chris Harrison entered with a graven look. He announced he needed to talk privately with Casey S for a "serious reason." Harrison walked Casey S to a nearby courtyard and told her it had been brought to his attention by three different people that she was in love with a guy back home named Michael. Clearly disgusted (because nothing infuriates our good host more than fraudulent intentions), Harrison explained that Michael believed he and Casey S were still in a relationship. They had even been living together right up until Casey S left to come on the show. A lot of word fumbling from Casey S followed, but the gist of her story was this: Michael never planned to marry her, so she wanted to come on The Bachelor, fall in love with Ben, get engaged and then rub Michael's stupid nose in it. When asked if she was still in love with Michael, however, Casey S deflatedly admitted she was. Satisfied, Harrison escorted her to Ben's hotel room like a teacher would a trouble-making student to the principal's office. Ben tried to act surprised when he opened the door, and after hearing Casey's story, he scolded her for her deceptiveness, which caused Casey S to erupt in a cry that sounded more like the sound a man makes when he aggressively blows his nose. When the escapade was over and Casey S had been sent home, Chris Harrison returned to the girls' suite and threatened each of them to "be open" or step away.


The cocktail party at the end of the episode was largely routine. Well, except for Jamie's bungled Kissing 101 Tutorial. When Jamie finally got Ben all to herself in a secluded nook where they could not be interrupted, she hiked up her dress, straddled him and forcibly kissed him. Stunned, Ben backed away and laughed. Embarrassed, Jamie got up from Ben's lap and asked if she could try the kiss again. But, before she did, she instructed Ben of how the kiss should go. She'd start with her mouth open, he'd have his mouth closed, then they'd switch, and then switch back, and then they'd just feel each other out from there. For confirmation Ben asked if his mouth should be closed first. Flustered, Jamie changed her mind and told him to keep his mouth open. She leaned in, then leaned back and told him he was not doing it right. Irritated, Ben stopped the kissing class and left Jamie to rejoin the rest of the girls at the party.


With Kacie B, Lindzi and Rachel already holding roses, Ben gave the remaining three flowers to Nicki, Courtney and Emily. After Jamie said her goodbyes and was escorted out the door, Ben told the remaining girls his future wife was "definitely" in the room. Good to know. Next up? Belize.

Sandals Montego Bay Review

For our one year anniversary, Matthew took me to Sandals Resort in Montego Bay Jamaica!  We were both looking forward to having an all inclusive vacation and being able to eat great food whenever we wanted!  After stepping off the plane we were instantly greeted and seated in Sandals private room at the airport while we waited on our cab.  A very nice man then greeted us and drove us 5 minutes down the road to Sandals, and he was a GREAT driver.  I was nervous because I had heard horror stories about the cab drivers and how they drive crazy.  One of the reasons we chose Montego Bay was because it was only a 5 minute cab ride to the resort, versus a 1 1/2 hour cab ride to Ocho Rios or Negril.  Checking in was a breeze and the week before they called to upgrade our room to a much bigger room with 24/7 concierge service.  Our new room was right in front of the volleyball court, which then walked out onto the beach.  It was also far enough away from the night life spots that it was very quiet at night :)  If you are looking to stay in Jamaica for a vacation, I have written a few pros/cons/tips below.  I'm not sure that I would recommend this location to someone for an anniversary trip, simply because it was a little crowded and it didn't feel like we had a lot of private, secluded time during the day.    Our trip was January 19-24th, and we assumed that it wouldn't be crowded since it was January, but there were mornings that all umbrellas were taken and beach spots were hard to find...if you are staying at Sandals Montego Bay, read the "tips" section in order to get a good umbrella :)

Pros:

1.   Food:
We had great experiences with our food choices.  We would recommend the Oleander Room, a Jamaican Restaurant that is on the beach.  The atmosphere is dark and quiet with candlelit tables and a 5 course meal is offered of your choice.  During the day, there is a restaurant set up right on the beach that offers brick oven thin crust pizzas (Matthew's favorite) and Cheeseburgers, Nachos, Jamaican Jerk Chicken, Quesadilla, and Grilled Cheese all at your request.  The cheeseburgers were amazing!


2.  Room Upgrade:

The week before we left for Jamaica, Sandals called and asked us if we wanted to upgrade our room to a bigger room that was on the first floor (versus the third) and that walked out onto the beach.  This room came with a 24/7 concierge service that basically did anything you wanted at your request (clean your room, stock your fridge, bring you towels, make dinner reservations, stock your snacks, etc).  Looking back I am SO thankful for this service and would recommend it to anyone going!  Our room walked right out onto the beach and we had a porch to sit and eat at or watch from.  It made things so easy for when we needed to use the restroom or wanted water/towels from our room.  From other reviews I've read, it seems pretty common that Sandals will offer an upgrade, if they don't offer it to you, I would ask.  Ours wasn't free, but it was definitely offered at a major discount and it was WORTH it!




3. We didn't have to leave the resort:
This was a big deal for me because I wasn't interested in going on excursions or braving the Jamaican Market.  On Fridays, a market actually comes to the resort and sets up tables on the volleyball court to sell crafts and such so if you do want souvenirs you can get them.

4.   Spa:
On our actual Anniversary (Jan 21st) and the day before we left we visited the Red Lane Spa at Sandals and loved it.  We got couples hot lava stone massages on our anniversary, and a full body couples massage on the other visit.  I would recommend the hot lava stone massage!  The spa staff were very nice and very good at their job!  I will warn you, after you massage they will try to sell you products from the Spa so just be prepared :)



5.  Candlelight Dinner on the Beach

Matthew had this set up with the resort for our Anniversary night.  When we first arrived at the hotel, we each got to pick from a variety of foods to create our own personal 5 course menu.  Matthew and I both choose the Lobster Tail & Steak as our main course and we both agreed it was the best lobster we've ever had.  To begin our dinner, our waiter "Junior" came to our room, balancing plates on his head and walked us out to a private gazebo on the pier where he served us an incredible meal.  Junior was wonderful at taking care of us, but also giving us our space so that we could enjoy our dinner.  He also offered several times to take as many pictures as we wanted which meant a lot to me because I love having pictures for memories.  Though it did rain during our meal, it made for a good story and the storm quickly blew over :).

5.  staff
Throughout our entire stay, the staff was incredible.  They are all so very nice and work hard to make sure you have everything you need.  One of our favorite staff members was Robert who works at the beach bar.  Robert is in school studying tourism management and hospitality and dreams of one day owning his own resort.  Robert is very hospitable and would find us constantly throughout the day lounging in the sun or under our umbrella to make sure we didn't need anything.  If you go to Sandals Montego Bay, look for him!

Cons:

I hate even writing a "cons" section because we truly did have a WONDERFUL time, but for anyone that is reading this and traveling to Montego Bay Jamaica, I think it is helpful to have a healthy expectation of where you are going.  

1.  Desserts:
I am a dessert snob.  There I said it.  A restaurant can totally win me over if they have good desserts.  I am  if I ordered the wrong thing, or if all Jamaican desserts are like this but the only one I was impressed by was the Bananas Flambe at our Candlelight Dinner.  The rest of the desserts throughout the week were nothing to write home about.  The cakes are a wet, spongy texture, and the chocolate is bittersweet.  They are very PRETTY... but they look better than they taste :)

2.  Airport:
As I said in the beginning of this post you are literally 5 minutes from the Jamaican Airport.  And the runway is pointed directly at Sandals.  Therefore, throughout the day, commercial airplanes are taking off over your head and they are loud.  You get used to it after a while, but be prepared when the first one comes roaring through the sky it's a little startling.





3.  It was a little crowded.  It may have just been the week we were there, but the resort was pretty packed.  This made getting a good spot on the beach and a beach umbrella a little difficult.  However, on the second to last day there, we figured out a trick :) see the "tips" section :)

4.  The photographers.  Sandals has a photo shop on site and that means that a handful of staff walk around each day and night looking for photo opportunities.  At first I thought it was fun, but by day two, I was annoyed at them interrupting my beach nap to snap pictures of Matthew and I.  All the pictures are saved to your room number so that at anytime you can go to the photoshop and buy them....for 1 million dollars.

5.  The Room was a little outdated.  Granted the scenery of Jamaica is beautiful and you aren't in your room a lot, but the rooms probably haven't been updated since 1990.

Tips:

1.  Make friends with the staff.  Because our resort was a little crowded, like I said earlier it was hard to get a spot under an umbrella.  Matthew and I would recommend getting chairs in the sun and chairs under and umbrella to go back and forth when laying out.  Though Sandals advertises itself as an all inclusive resort and that no tips are necessary, if you slip a staff member some american money, they will reserve you and umbrella at 6am and decorate it for you.  Matthew gave one of them $30 and he took care of us for the rest of the week AND brought us ice buckets to keep our drinks cold on the beach.  Though they aren't SUPPOSED to accept tips...none of them turned away the money.  

2.  Visit the Thai Restaurant.  When you stay at Sandals, you have access to the two other Sandals Resorts in Monetego Bay.  My recommendation is take the shuttle to the Sandals Royal Caribbean and eat at the Thai Restaurant.  The restaurant is located on private island, that you arrive on by a shuttle boat.  

3.  And speaking of dinner, if the resort is crowded when you get there, my recommendation is to sit down and decided where you want to eat each night, then make your reservations on your first day.  We learned this the hard way.  We weren't able to eat at some of the restaurants we wanted to, because we tried to make dinner reservations the day of.  :(  Matthew and I LOVED the Oleander Room, but we didn't get to try Tokyo Joes or the Thai restaurant because we didn't make our reservations early enough.


All in all we had a wonderful time at Sandals Montego Bay and the pros far outweigh the cons.  Hope this blog helps anyone that is looking to travel there!
-  make dinner reservations when you get there for the whole week

Bachelor 2012: Week 5

(Author: Matthew)


The Bachelor helicopter shots at the beginning of week five featured landscapes of Vieques Island, Puerto Rico. As Ben explained the week was important "because now is when it gets serious," Cecilia was quick to let me know she would start throwing things if a bachelorette left another lobster tail uneaten during a dinner on a one-on-one date. I nervously laughed her off. But just to be sure she didn't mean it, I stole a glance at her and beheld the fiery, horrific truth in her eyes as she shook a nearly-full container of nail polish. Gulp.


After the girls settled into their hotel room, Chris Harrison again explained the rules of one-on-one dates. (No less than 97% of Harrison's job is telling people if they don't get a rose then they go home. That's basically all he does. Still, he somehow manages to keep it interesting. Unlike Ben, he brings his fastball each and every week. That's all you can ask.) Before leaving, Harrison left the first one-on-one date card with the ladies, and Nicki received the week's first one-on-one date. Surprisingly, Kacie B did not cry. The card was written entirely in Spanish, which gave Emily a chance to flaunt her Spanish-speaking skills for the group. This, of course, infuriated Courtney the Wicked, who at this point despises Emily more than Sparta hated Athens.


During Nicki's I'm-So-Excited-To-Be-Going-On-This-One-On-One-Date speech, Cecilia kept comparing her hair to objects that share the same height characteristics as pancakes. She explained that Nicki must've forgotten some sort of fancy hair product girls use when they go to the beach. I can't remember what it was; it was all over my head. Before Ben picked her up in a helicopter, he told us, "Nicki was married. Now she's divorced. She says that was very serious to her." Probably not his most intelligent comment ever.


While Ben was trying to convince Nicki of how awesomely he could speak Spanish in the streets of Vieques Island, the pair was caught and soaked in a rainstorm. When the storm ended, Ben decided they should go to an authentic Puerto Rican clothing store to buy dry clothes. Ben's goal was to leave the store looking like a Columbian drug lord from the 60s. Instead, Cecilia appropriately noted, he came out looking like Colonel Sanders. Nicki didn't tell us beforehand what her shopping goals were, but if she hoped to come out wearing a Central American tablecloth, she totally nailed it. Later that night at dinner, Ben tried to get her to "open up" about her failed first marriage. As she gave her well-rehearsed answers that lacked any hint of emotion, Ben stared through her with glazed eyes. There just wasn't enough making out on this date for him to keep paying attention. In a move to change his luck, he grabbed the one-on-one date rose to get her to stop talking. He thanked her for "opening up," gave her the rose and leaned in for the kiss. 


After Ben's date with Nicki, he had the most preposterous group date in the history of the Bachelor franchise. Because he saw a San Francisco Giants game some 20 years ago, he decided it would be a super idea to play baseball at Roberto Clemente Stadium, which was just down the road from their hotel. My gast is still flabbered he managed to forget he doesn't have a single athletic bone in his body. He also somehow forgot that each of the girls on the date, every single one of them to a woman, were markedly more athletic than him. But how hard could playing baseball really be? Surely he could fake his way through this thing, right?


After going through a series of batting and fielding drills, the girls were split up into two teams. The winners of a two-inning game would get to continue on the date with Ben. The losers would get sent home. Chris Harrison designated Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) and Courtney the Wicked as team captains. Since there were nine girls, Ben had to choose one girl (he chose Lyndzi) to play for both teams, which meant she would automatically continue on the group date no matter which team won the game. Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) picked Emily, Jennifer and Rachel as her teammates. Courtney the Wicked picked Kacie B, Casey S and Jamie. Based on everything we saw in the batting and fielding drills, I would've bet you a strawberry pop tart that BTB's team was going to summarily destroy CW's. Seriously. It looked that lopsided. Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) even told us she had played softball in high school AND college. And from watching her in the drills, it definitely seemed plausible she was telling the truth.


Once the girls were given their team assignments, they were sent to their respective locker rooms to change into their uniforms (which just consisted of matching shorts and T-shirts). Ben also changed into a legit baseball uniform that was roughly two sizes too big for him. Since he was going to be the all-time pitcher for the game, I guess he felt he needed to look the part. The lesson as always: clothes don't make the man. It only took one pitch to reveal poor Ben was a total phony. Not even the superb editing of the Bachelor creative team (and I'm sure it was extensive) could hide Ben's noodle arm. 


Courtney the Wicked's team batted first. And surprisingly, they began racking up runs. Ben helped Team CW's cause by badly overthrowing the first baseman with runners in scoring position after one of CW's teammates hit a dribbler back to him. After Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) dove all over the field to record all three outs by herself, Team CW had managed to score five runs. Team BTB answered with three runs in the bottom of the first. After Team CW scored a run in the top of the second and Team BTB answered with three runs in the bottom of the second, the score was all knotted up at 6 at the end of the two-inning contest. Naturally, the game headed to extra innings. But this is where, if I HAD bet you that strawberry pop tart, I would've refused to pay up after the game ended. 


Bear with me while I go on a rant. When a baseball game goes to extra innings, you only play ONE inning at a time until one of the two teams has more runs than the other. Sometimes it just takes one inning to figure this out. Sometimes it takes several more. The point is, in extra innings, if one team has more runs than the other when the inning ends, the game is over. There was a montage of the girls trading hits and Ben telling us each team kept scoring runs, which meant they kept having to play more innings. All this was fine and dandy until the camera showed us the scoreboard in the bottom of the fifth inning. The score was 10-9 with Team CW leading and Team BTB at bat. I pressed pause and stared at the scoreboard. My jaw dropped. In the top of the third inning, Team CW didn't score a run. In the bottom of the third, though, Team BTB did score a run. The game should've ended right there! What in the world?! How did Big Teeth Blakely (BTB), being a veteran softball player, not throw a magnificent fit? Her team won! Why were they still playing the game two innings later?? Was it "Bachelor rules baseball" and nobody one told us? How would it have made sense in any logical person's brain for a two-inning game to go three more innings if the game ended in a tie after those two innings?? Did no one on the field or in the stadium know the actual rules of baseball?! Am I the only one who was upset by this injustice? Probably so. Whatever.


Anyway. Jennifer the Red-Headed Accountant struck out to end the game and Team CW was declared the winner. They celebrated on the pitcher's mound with Ben as he popped open a bottle of champagne and sprayed it on them. Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) and Jennifer the Red-Headed Accountant cried alligator tears as a helicopter landed in the parking lot to pick up Ben and the winning team. The losers boarded a bus and rode back to the hotel. Not since the 1972 men's Olympic basketball gold-medal game has there been a more atrocious sports scandal. I'm convinced. This will go down in infamy (in my head). Okay. Back to the Bachelor stuff you actually care about.


After Ben and the winning baseball team had cleaned themselves up, he took turns having one-on-one moments with each of the girls at a private beach party. As Ben spent time with Kacie B, Courtney the Wicked told us the rest of the girls didn't have a chance, except for maybe Kacie B. But, she was convinced that Ben wouldn't choose Kacie B in the end because she was a little girl and what Ben really needed was a woman. (Note: Courtney the Wicked is 28. Kacie B is 24.) During Ben's alone time with Kacie B, she tried to goad him into telling her about his dating history. Here, Ben tried his best to sound like a mature and sensitive man, but his frequent use of the phrases, "um" and "I don't know?" substantially derailed his efforts. 


Shortly thereafter, Ben gave Kacie B the group-date rose. CW, unfazed, pulled Ben away from the group, took him down to the beach and asked him if he'd like to go skinny dipping with her later. Ben, knowing CW's idea was totally outrageous, tried to act like it was something he'd never consider. The only problem was, he could not conceal his mile-wide smile as he kinda sorta told Courtney the Wicked, "no."


As Elyse (whose name from the beginning I've pronounced "Ell-see" for some reason) readied herself for her upcoming one-on-one date with Ben, she got emotional when she considered the real possibility she might be going home at the end of the night. Ben dropped by to pick her up, pointed to a humongous yacht anchored in the bay and proudly told her and all the rest of the girls that they would be spending the day on it. As they ferried out to the boat, Ben told us, "Being on the water is monumental. I wouldn't be surprised if I developed feelings today." When Ben looks back at his Bachelor experience, I'm convinced it will be this episode he'll regret the most, for statements like that one, his "baseball" performance and every interaction he had with Courtney the Wicked.


From the get go, Elyse was in serious trouble. When Ben got her talking, she confidently told him she had done "everything" she'd ever hoped to do. ("Everything" in her book was finishing undergrad, grad school, moving to Florida and falling in love.) When Ben flashed her a look of incredulity, she backpedaled a bit and revealed she had quit her job and missed her very best friend's wedding (Cecilia called shenanigans on this) to take her shot at love with Ben. With his mind seemingly made up, Ben asked Elyse if she'd like to jump off the boat and go for a swim. As Elyse lept off the yacht, she held her nose on the way down. Cecilia explained, "Well yeah, she's from the North. Yankees hold their noses when they jump into water." I had no idea.


Before going to commercial, Chris Harrison did one of his custom voiceovers asking eligible bachelors to submit their applications to come on the next season of the Bachelorette. Only, this time, he announced the name of the next Bachelorette (Emily Maynard). This NEVER happens. Typically, the next Bachelor or Bachelorette is revealed during tell-all episodes before the season finales or during the final episode of Bachelor Pad. So, why change things up and reveal the next Bachelorette so early? The easy guess would be that ABC is having a hard time finding guys who would be interested in making a run at a single mom. That makes sense. To put it politely, the types of guys who generally compete on the Bachelorette wouldn't be dudes you'd feel comfortable setting up your single-mom sister or friend with on a blind date. It's going to take a group of "special" bachelors to want to compete for Emily's roses. I'm bummed ABC is clearly desperate for contestants, but I'm optimistic they'll end up finding 25 Bentleys, including, possibly, Bentley himself.


At dinner later that night, Ben asked Elyse to explain her comment that she had accomplished "everything" she'd hoped to accomplish in life. She clarified that she had accomplished everything a single girl could, and that she was sick of being single. Unimpressed, Ben lifted the rose from the table. Elyse flashed an excited smile that quickly vanished as Ben said the word, "but." He told her he could not give her the rose and asked her to leave. As they got up from the table, Cecilia noticed Elyse's barely-eaten lobster tail. I quickly hid everything in the living room that was heavy and/or sharp. As Ben escorted Elyse down the beach she asked what she did wrong. And that's when we finally saw Ben's pants. From the waist up, Ben was sporting the makings of a standard bow-tied tuxedo. Below the belt, he was wearing capri pants. What a horrible offense to suits everywhere. As Elyse boarded a boat, Ben dramatically tossed the rose into the ocean as David Gray's, "This Year's Love," kicked up in the background. (Is Gray a producer at this point? How is he getting so much love this season? Will someone explain this to me?) As Elyse's suitcases were taken from the hotel, the girls feigned surprise and disappointment. All except Courtney the Wicked. She summed up her thoughts by saying, "Maybe she drank too much and the Jersey shore came out." Even Casey S, (CW's only ally at this point) bristled at the comment.


One of two things happened next. Either, Courtney the Wicked got a heads up from a producer that she had X amount of minutes to change into her skinny-dipping uniform OR there was a healthy amount of editing that made it seem like CW rushed over to the staircase in front of Ben's room just in time to greet him as he returned from his date with Elyse. It's one or the other, with no in between. As Ben shuffled toward his room, he spied CW sitting on the stairs nearby his door wearing a bathrobe and holding a bottle of wine and two empty glasses. She also told him she had a bottle of lotion if he'd like a massage. Ben blurted out nervously, "I didn't know you would keep your promise so soon." As they strolled together to the beach, Ben told us, "I know this is a bad idea, but at the same time, I want to spend some more time with her and she has taken it upon herself to magically appear on my doorstep." Such moronical logic. As they approached the shore, Courtney the Wicked told him she was going to rock his world, then, in a fleeting moment of insecurity said, "Should I take my robe off? You know, I'm not some sexy vixen or anything." She sealed the deal by saying, "It's not everyday you're in Puerto Rico," even though she was allegedly there only two months prior. When the two had finished frolicking in the sea in their birthday suits, CW told us she knew the girls would hate her forever but she didn't care because she was "winning."


At the cocktail party, Jennifer the Red-Headed Accountant told Ben she really, really liked him. She had never liked someone as much as Ben except for the last guy she was in love with. It's true. Ben liked her sales pitch and demonstrated his approval by making out with her. Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) then took her turn making overtures to Ben. She explained that everyday she'd been in the competition, she'd written down something about him she liked. And then she pulled the trusty I-never-thought-you'd-be-interested-in-me routine. She went on to say she'd "found" something inside of her; she "deserved" love. She admitted she was afraid she might get hurt, but everything had been worth it. Ben agreed, so he made out with her.


As Emily took Ben down to the Beach, Courtney the Wicked informed us, "These girls don't stand a chance, especially Emily, because she sucks." Lying, Emily told Ben she hadn't thought about CW at all that week and she had only been focusing on him. Looking relieved, Ben thanked her, but Emily snatched back the gun she'd given up and without hesitation, shot herself in the foot again. She just couldn't let the CW stuff go. She rehashed all the dirt she'd told him about CW the week before, which infuriated Ben. He asked her to stop and warned her again that her trash talking would be her undoing if she continued to go down that path. Realizing her mistake, Emily tearfully questioned how Ben could like someone so "vapid" (Ph.D. word!) and "shallow" (talking about CW) and send home girls "so real and lovely and interesting" (presumably talking about herself).


Finally, the girls assembled at the rose ceremony and Ben told the group it had been the most pivotal week in the contest so far. With Nicki and Kacie B holding roses they'd earned earlier in the week, Ben distributed the remaining roses to Lyndzi, Jamie, Rachel, Courtney the Wicked, Casey S, Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) and...Emily. In a shocker, Ben sent home the girl he proclaimed to be the competition's best kisser (Jennifer the Red-Headed Accountant). Knowing how much he enjoys tongue hockey, giving Jennifer the boot must have been a producer-driven decision in order to keep Courtney the Wicked's nemesis around for another week. With her head held high, Jennifer the Red-Headed Accountant strode out of the hotel, told Ben she completely understood and wished him good luck. As the show concluded, Ben told the group they would next be going to the "most glamorous city" in Central America: Panama City, Panama. I wonder how many times Courtney the Wicked has been there?