(Author: Matthew)
The Bachelor helicopter shots at the beginning of week five featured landscapes of Vieques Island, Puerto Rico. As Ben explained the week was important "because now is when it gets serious," Cecilia was quick to let me know she would start throwing things if a bachelorette left another lobster tail uneaten during a dinner on a one-on-one date. I nervously laughed her off. But just to be sure she didn't mean it, I stole a glance at her and beheld the fiery, horrific truth in her eyes as she shook a nearly-full container of nail polish. Gulp.
After the girls settled into their hotel room, Chris Harrison again explained the rules of one-on-one dates. (No less than 97% of Harrison's job is telling people if they don't get a rose then they go home. That's basically all he does. Still, he somehow manages to keep it interesting. Unlike Ben, he brings his fastball each and every week. That's all you can ask.) Before leaving, Harrison left the first one-on-one date card with the ladies, and Nicki received the week's first one-on-one date. Surprisingly, Kacie B did not cry. The card was written entirely in Spanish, which gave Emily a chance to flaunt her Spanish-speaking skills for the group. This, of course, infuriated Courtney the Wicked, who at this point despises Emily more than Sparta hated Athens.
During Nicki's I'm-So-Excited-To-Be-Going-On-This-One-On-One-Date speech, Cecilia kept comparing her hair to objects that share the same height characteristics as pancakes. She explained that Nicki must've forgotten some sort of fancy hair product girls use when they go to the beach. I can't remember what it was; it was all over my head. Before Ben picked her up in a helicopter, he told us, "Nicki was married. Now she's divorced. She says that was very serious to her." Probably not his most intelligent comment ever.
While Ben was trying to convince Nicki of how awesomely he could speak Spanish in the streets of Vieques Island, the pair was caught and soaked in a rainstorm. When the storm ended, Ben decided they should go to an authentic Puerto Rican clothing store to buy dry clothes. Ben's goal was to leave the store looking like a Columbian drug lord from the 60s. Instead, Cecilia appropriately noted, he came out looking like Colonel Sanders. Nicki didn't tell us beforehand what her shopping goals were, but if she hoped to come out wearing a Central American tablecloth, she totally nailed it. Later that night at dinner, Ben tried to get her to "open up" about her failed first marriage. As she gave her well-rehearsed answers that lacked any hint of emotion, Ben stared through her with glazed eyes. There just wasn't enough making out on this date for him to keep paying attention. In a move to change his luck, he grabbed the one-on-one date rose to get her to stop talking. He thanked her for "opening up," gave her the rose and leaned in for the kiss.
After Ben's date with Nicki, he had the most preposterous group date in the history of the Bachelor franchise. Because he saw a San Francisco Giants game some 20 years ago, he decided it would be a super idea to play baseball at Roberto Clemente Stadium, which was just down the road from their hotel. My gast is still flabbered he managed to forget he doesn't have a single athletic bone in his body. He also somehow forgot that each of the girls on the date, every single one of them to a woman, were markedly more athletic than him. But how hard could playing baseball really be? Surely he could fake his way through this thing, right?
After going through a series of batting and fielding drills, the girls were split up into two teams. The winners of a two-inning game would get to continue on the date with Ben. The losers would get sent home. Chris Harrison designated Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) and Courtney the Wicked as team captains. Since there were nine girls, Ben had to choose one girl (he chose Lyndzi) to play for both teams, which meant she would automatically continue on the group date no matter which team won the game. Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) picked Emily, Jennifer and Rachel as her teammates. Courtney the Wicked picked Kacie B, Casey S and Jamie. Based on everything we saw in the batting and fielding drills, I would've bet you a strawberry pop tart that BTB's team was going to summarily destroy CW's. Seriously. It looked that lopsided. Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) even told us she had played softball in high school AND college. And from watching her in the drills, it definitely seemed plausible she was telling the truth.
Once the girls were given their team assignments, they were sent to their respective locker rooms to change into their uniforms (which just consisted of matching shorts and T-shirts). Ben also changed into a legit baseball uniform that was roughly two sizes too big for him. Since he was going to be the all-time pitcher for the game, I guess he felt he needed to look the part. The lesson as always: clothes don't make the man. It only took one pitch to reveal poor Ben was a total phony. Not even the superb editing of the Bachelor creative team (and I'm sure it was extensive) could hide Ben's noodle arm.
Courtney the Wicked's team batted first. And surprisingly, they began racking up runs. Ben helped Team CW's cause by badly overthrowing the first baseman with runners in scoring position after one of CW's teammates hit a dribbler back to him. After Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) dove all over the field to record all three outs by herself, Team CW had managed to score five runs. Team BTB answered with three runs in the bottom of the first. After Team CW scored a run in the top of the second and Team BTB answered with three runs in the bottom of the second, the score was all knotted up at 6 at the end of the two-inning contest. Naturally, the game headed to extra innings. But this is where, if I HAD bet you that strawberry pop tart, I would've refused to pay up after the game ended.
Bear with me while I go on a rant. When a baseball game goes to extra innings, you only play ONE inning at a time until one of the two teams has more runs than the other. Sometimes it just takes one inning to figure this out. Sometimes it takes several more. The point is, in extra innings, if one team has more runs than the other when the inning ends, the game is over. There was a montage of the girls trading hits and Ben telling us each team kept scoring runs, which meant they kept having to play more innings. All this was fine and dandy until the camera showed us the scoreboard in the bottom of the fifth inning. The score was 10-9 with Team CW leading and Team BTB at bat. I pressed pause and stared at the scoreboard. My jaw dropped. In the top of the third inning, Team CW didn't score a run. In the bottom of the third, though, Team BTB did score a run. The game should've ended right there! What in the world?! How did Big Teeth Blakely (BTB), being a veteran softball player, not throw a magnificent fit? Her team won! Why were they still playing the game two innings later?? Was it "Bachelor rules baseball" and nobody one told us? How would it have made sense in any logical person's brain for a two-inning game to go three more innings if the game ended in a tie after those two innings?? Did no one on the field or in the stadium know the actual rules of baseball?! Am I the only one who was upset by this injustice? Probably so. Whatever.
Anyway. Jennifer the Red-Headed Accountant struck out to end the game and Team CW was declared the winner. They celebrated on the pitcher's mound with Ben as he popped open a bottle of champagne and sprayed it on them. Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) and Jennifer the Red-Headed Accountant cried alligator tears as a helicopter landed in the parking lot to pick up Ben and the winning team. The losers boarded a bus and rode back to the hotel. Not since the 1972 men's Olympic basketball gold-medal game has there been a more atrocious sports scandal. I'm convinced. This will go down in infamy (in my head). Okay. Back to the Bachelor stuff you actually care about.
After Ben and the winning baseball team had cleaned themselves up, he took turns having one-on-one moments with each of the girls at a private beach party. As Ben spent time with Kacie B, Courtney the Wicked told us the rest of the girls didn't have a chance, except for maybe Kacie B. But, she was convinced that Ben wouldn't choose Kacie B in the end because she was a little girl and what Ben really needed was a woman. (Note: Courtney the Wicked is 28. Kacie B is 24.) During Ben's alone time with Kacie B, she tried to goad him into telling her about his dating history. Here, Ben tried his best to sound like a mature and sensitive man, but his frequent use of the phrases, "um" and "I don't know?" substantially derailed his efforts.
Shortly thereafter, Ben gave Kacie B the group-date rose. CW, unfazed, pulled Ben away from the group, took him down to the beach and asked him if he'd like to go skinny dipping with her later. Ben, knowing CW's idea was totally outrageous, tried to act like it was something he'd never consider. The only problem was, he could not conceal his mile-wide smile as he kinda sorta told Courtney the Wicked, "no."
As Elyse (whose name from the beginning I've pronounced "Ell-see" for some reason) readied herself for her upcoming one-on-one date with Ben, she got emotional when she considered the real possibility she might be going home at the end of the night. Ben dropped by to pick her up, pointed to a humongous yacht anchored in the bay and proudly told her and all the rest of the girls that they would be spending the day on it. As they ferried out to the boat, Ben told us, "Being on the water is monumental. I wouldn't be surprised if I developed feelings today." When Ben looks back at his Bachelor experience, I'm convinced it will be this episode he'll regret the most, for statements like that one, his "baseball" performance and every interaction he had with Courtney the Wicked.
From the get go, Elyse was in serious trouble. When Ben got her talking, she confidently told him she had done "everything" she'd ever hoped to do. ("Everything" in her book was finishing undergrad, grad school, moving to Florida and falling in love.) When Ben flashed her a look of incredulity, she backpedaled a bit and revealed she had quit her job and missed her very best friend's wedding (Cecilia called shenanigans on this) to take her shot at love with Ben. With his mind seemingly made up, Ben asked Elyse if she'd like to jump off the boat and go for a swim. As Elyse lept off the yacht, she held her nose on the way down. Cecilia explained, "Well yeah, she's from the North. Yankees hold their noses when they jump into water." I had no idea.
Before going to commercial, Chris Harrison did one of his custom voiceovers asking eligible bachelors to submit their applications to come on the next season of the Bachelorette. Only, this time, he announced the name of the next Bachelorette (Emily Maynard). This NEVER happens. Typically, the next Bachelor or Bachelorette is revealed during tell-all episodes before the season finales or during the final episode of Bachelor Pad. So, why change things up and reveal the next Bachelorette so early? The easy guess would be that ABC is having a hard time finding guys who would be interested in making a run at a single mom. That makes sense. To put it politely, the types of guys who generally compete on the Bachelorette wouldn't be dudes you'd feel comfortable setting up your single-mom sister or friend with on a blind date. It's going to take a group of "special" bachelors to want to compete for Emily's roses. I'm bummed ABC is clearly desperate for contestants, but I'm optimistic they'll end up finding 25 Bentleys, including, possibly, Bentley himself.
At dinner later that night, Ben asked Elyse to explain her comment that she had accomplished "everything" she'd hoped to accomplish in life. She clarified that she had accomplished everything a single girl could, and that she was sick of being single. Unimpressed, Ben lifted the rose from the table. Elyse flashed an excited smile that quickly vanished as Ben said the word, "but." He told her he could not give her the rose and asked her to leave. As they got up from the table, Cecilia noticed Elyse's barely-eaten lobster tail. I quickly hid everything in the living room that was heavy and/or sharp. As Ben escorted Elyse down the beach she asked what she did wrong. And that's when we finally saw Ben's pants. From the waist up, Ben was sporting the makings of a standard bow-tied tuxedo. Below the belt, he was wearing capri pants. What a horrible offense to suits everywhere. As Elyse boarded a boat, Ben dramatically tossed the rose into the ocean as David Gray's, "This Year's Love," kicked up in the background. (Is Gray a producer at this point? How is he getting so much love this season? Will someone explain this to me?) As Elyse's suitcases were taken from the hotel, the girls feigned surprise and disappointment. All except Courtney the Wicked. She summed up her thoughts by saying, "Maybe she drank too much and the Jersey shore came out." Even Casey S, (CW's only ally at this point) bristled at the comment.
One of two things happened next. Either, Courtney the Wicked got a heads up from a producer that she had X amount of minutes to change into her skinny-dipping uniform OR there was a healthy amount of editing that made it seem like CW rushed over to the staircase in front of Ben's room just in time to greet him as he returned from his date with Elyse. It's one or the other, with no in between. As Ben shuffled toward his room, he spied CW sitting on the stairs nearby his door wearing a bathrobe and holding a bottle of wine and two empty glasses. She also told him she had a bottle of lotion if he'd like a massage. Ben blurted out nervously, "I didn't know you would keep your promise so soon." As they strolled together to the beach, Ben told us, "I know this is a bad idea, but at the same time, I want to spend some more time with her and she has taken it upon herself to magically appear on my doorstep." Such moronical logic. As they approached the shore, Courtney the Wicked told him she was going to rock his world, then, in a fleeting moment of insecurity said, "Should I take my robe off? You know, I'm not some sexy vixen or anything." She sealed the deal by saying, "It's not everyday you're in Puerto Rico," even though she was allegedly there only two months prior. When the two had finished frolicking in the sea in their birthday suits, CW told us she knew the girls would hate her forever but she didn't care because she was "winning."
At the cocktail party, Jennifer the Red-Headed Accountant told Ben she really, really liked him. She had never liked someone as much as Ben except for the last guy she was in love with. It's true. Ben liked her sales pitch and demonstrated his approval by making out with her. Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) then took her turn making overtures to Ben. She explained that everyday she'd been in the competition, she'd written down something about him she liked. And then she pulled the trusty I-never-thought-you'd-be-interested-in-me routine. She went on to say she'd "found" something inside of her; she "deserved" love. She admitted she was afraid she might get hurt, but everything had been worth it. Ben agreed, so he made out with her.
As Emily took Ben down to the Beach, Courtney the Wicked informed us, "These girls don't stand a chance, especially Emily, because she sucks." Lying, Emily told Ben she hadn't thought about CW at all that week and she had only been focusing on him. Looking relieved, Ben thanked her, but Emily snatched back the gun she'd given up and without hesitation, shot herself in the foot again. She just couldn't let the CW stuff go. She rehashed all the dirt she'd told him about CW the week before, which infuriated Ben. He asked her to stop and warned her again that her trash talking would be her undoing if she continued to go down that path. Realizing her mistake, Emily tearfully questioned how Ben could like someone so "vapid" (Ph.D. word!) and "shallow" (talking about CW) and send home girls "so real and lovely and interesting" (presumably talking about herself).
Finally, the girls assembled at the rose ceremony and Ben told the group it had been the most pivotal week in the contest so far. With Nicki and Kacie B holding roses they'd earned earlier in the week, Ben distributed the remaining roses to Lyndzi, Jamie, Rachel, Courtney the Wicked, Casey S, Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) and...Emily. In a shocker, Ben sent home the girl he proclaimed to be the competition's best kisser (Jennifer the Red-Headed Accountant). Knowing how much he enjoys tongue hockey, giving Jennifer the boot must have been a producer-driven decision in order to keep Courtney the Wicked's nemesis around for another week. With her head held high, Jennifer the Red-Headed Accountant strode out of the hotel, told Ben she completely understood and wished him good luck. As the show concluded, Ben told the group they would next be going to the "most glamorous city" in Central America: Panama City, Panama. I wonder how many times Courtney the Wicked has been there?
No comments:
Post a Comment