Bachelor 2012: Week 6

(Author: Matthew)


Week six of the 2012 Bachelor season took us to the jungly, skyscrapery land of Panama City, Panama. Less than three minutes into the episode, Courtney the Wicked reminded us she had gone skinny dipping. With Ben. Just last week. In Puerto Rico. 


In an unusual turn of events, it was Ben, and not Chris Harrison, who personally delivered the week's first date card after the girls had settled into their suite at the Trump Ocean Club hotel. No explanation was given for Harrison's absence, but I'm positive he was doing important investigative work for a crucial segment that would take place later in the show. After Ben left the suite, the date card was read aloud, and to Kacie B's delight, the week's first one-on-one date went to her, along with instructions that she should "bring three things."


As Ben and Kacie B walked to the helicopter the next morning at the start of their one-on-one date, Cecilia and I paused the DVR so we could fully appreciate Ben's technicolor wardrobe. He sported a royal-blue T-shirt, orange shorts and green sneakers. Say what you want about him, Ben never cares to hide the fact that he's a stereotypical-American goober on vacation. He hasn't let us down yet. 


The helicopter dropped off the pair on a deserted island, so they could be completely alone with the camera crew who had been waiting for them to arrive. When asked to produce the three things she had brought with her, Kacie B handed Ben a toy monkey, a combination corkscrew knife and a bag of candy. Utterly disappointed she had failed to take their game of Cast Away seriously, Ben showed Kacie B his machete, fishing net and matches. (Note: although it was never explained how the bottle of wine and wine glasses in the very next sequence got to the island, I'm choosing to believe the hooch was hidden there by the same rum runners who stocked the hidden cache full of liquor on the island where Barbossa exiled Jack Sparrow and Elizabeth Swann.) 


Immediately, Ben went to work jump hacking coconuts on trees with his machete. It was almost as ludicrous as his "baseball" performance the week before. We never got to hear Kacie B say anything during Ben's manliness montage because she was too busy trying extra hard not to laugh at him. Later, she lied and said Ben's Robinson Crusoe impression was hot, even though it was 100% ludicrous. Somehow, they later snagged a fish with Ben's net (which must have been laced with some sort of irresistible fish heroin). As they ate their catch, Ben talked about how much he liked Kacie B because "she just goes with the flow."


As the date advanced to dinner, Ben told us he was looking forward "to diving in deep" that night with Kacie B. After Ben prompted her to talk about herself, she said she was a woman who was always on the move and doing things. When asked to explain what those things were, Kacie B said, "Oh, you know, like going to the grocery store, cooking, working out, spending time with friends, seeing my family." Has a girl ever centered her life around grocery shopping more than Kacie B? If you told me, "yes," I would never believe you.


In the middle of Kacie B's couponing stories, another date card arrived at the hotel suite. All the girls' names were called for the week's group date except for Big Teeth Blakely's (BTB) and Rachel's, which meant, they were destined for the dreaded two-on-one, head-to-head date. Rachel was genuinely nervous. Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) was supremely, inexplicably overconfident. 


Back at the one-on-one date, Kacie B got serious as she told Ben she had struggled with an eating disorder for a year during high school. Ben loved this. Not that Kacie B had battled an eating disorder, but that she had "opened up" to him. He's real big about "opening up." He always tells the girls to "open up." So, for "opening up," Ben gave Kacie B the one-on-one date rose. Afterward, Kacie B said, "on a scale of 1 to wonderful, today was fantastic." What does that even mean? Is she saying fantastic is better than wonderful? How does she get to make that call? Can we vote on this?


The next day, Ben commandeered a flat-bottom boat to take his ladies cruising in the Chargres River so they could "explore Panama and rivers and jungles and go into the wild." As he pulled up to the bank, Jamie explained to us that driving a boat is like riding a bike for Ben. Somehow, this would not be Jamie's most ridiculous moment of the show. Ben drove the ladies to a tourist trap known as Embera Village where natives wore only loin cloths and beaded necklaces and body paint. Upon arrival, the villagers grabbed Ben and the girls and threw them into huts, where they were forced to change out of their modern clothes and into the tribal uniforms of the village. While most of the girls took turns complimenting Ben on how good his flabby abs looked, Courtney the Wicked took a different path and decided to go topless. Because Ben loves everything CW does, he quickly approved of her wardrobe decision.


When their time with the fake natives ended, Ben and the girls went back to the Trump Ocean Club hotel where they enjoyed a private rooftop party. During some alone time with Lindzi, Ben told her how much he enjoyed her easy-going attitude. Lindzi explained, "I don't believe in fighting." Ben's admiration quickly vanished as Lindzi went on to add, "but, I have cried over you." Somewhere, out of view of the cameras, Kacie B nodded in agreement. 


Afterward, Courtney the Wicked tried her same-old tricks and did the ole I-Like-You-But-Sometimes-I'm-Not-Sure-Because-You-Don't-Spend-Enough-Time-With-Me routine. In the middle of her tired act, she reminded Ben about their skinny dipping a couple of times and then upped the ante by giving Ben her hotel room number and offering him her bed if he wanted to "lay down" at the end of the long day.


Next, Jamie got a turn with Ben. Since she hadn't kissed him yet, she went into her meeting with the sole purpose of mugging down. As they talked on a couch, CW stripped down to her bikini and splashed around in the pool behind them like an uncoordinated mongoose. Rattled, Jamie couldn't pull off the nerve to make her move. 


Following Jamie's debacle, Emily spent some alone with Ben. He asked her if the CW stuff was behind them, and Emily very adeptly answered that it was without even once saying CW's name. When Emily returned to the girls, she apologized to Courtney the Wicked, who appreciated Emily's directness. Even so, CW told her she would never respect her and they'd never be friends. As Jamie tried to play mediator, CW interrupted and got gangsta about how big of a deal it was for her to be disrespected. Right after she finished her rapper-like diatribe on the delicate nature of disrespect, Ben grabbed the group-date rose so he could give it to Lindzi. Irate, CW sighed and stormed off to her room where she reapplied her makeup and awaited Ben for a nightcap. She waited. And waited. And waited some more. Eventually, when it became clear Ben would not accept her invitation, she sullenly explained she'd constantly been disappointed by men. Her sincerity was a little less than believable.


When the day of the two-on-one date arrived, Ben took the girls to a latin dancing club where they met an instructor named, Hellimmmeejayyymes. Before the dancing lessons got underway, Ben told us he couldn't figure out which girl he had more chemistry with. Rachel got the first crack at dancing with Ben. She accomplished herself well enough. When BTB took her turn, she tried to be as dirty as possible. In what had to be an even more awkward situation than it appeared, Rachel looked on disgustedly as BTB demonstrated various ways of wrapping herself around Ben. The performance culminated with Rachel telling us she hated "how sexual BTB's dancing" was.


Later on that evening at dinner, the awkwardness had morphed into angry tension. Ben first took some one-on-one time with Rachel. During their alone time together, Rachel didn't do much to prove her case for the lone two-on-one date rose, but she did nothing to damage her chances either. This was crucially important, because Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) would set the gold standard for desperate craziness as soon as Ben came back to the dinner table to get her. 


The moment Ben and Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) sat down together, things got weird. BTB began by telling Ben, "For the first time, I really feel something with someone. I really feel it." In the very next breath she complained she didn't get enough one-on-one time with Ben. Then she started crying, because, she explained, she didn't want to lose him before he had gotten the chance to really get to know her. BTB then handed Ben a journal of her own construction with his name written on it in big flowy letters surrounded by different descriptions about him and their "relationship." She opened the journal to show Ben several collages of words and pictures she'd cut out of magazines that symbolized the true nature of her infatuation with him as well as the deep and obvious bond they shared. While Ben was noticeably freaked out that BTB had made him such a creepy memento, I'd bet you he was just as equally confused that the journal looked like it had been made by a second grader. 


When Ben and Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) returned to the dinner table, he promptly gave the rose to Rachel. BTB stood up and dashed out of the restaurant. When Ben finally caught up with her in the street, he twisted the dagger further by telling her he had to send her home because the relationships he had with the other women were "so far past" what he had with her. 


The next day, the girls were lounging around in their hotel suite when Chris Harrison entered with a graven look. He announced he needed to talk privately with Casey S for a "serious reason." Harrison walked Casey S to a nearby courtyard and told her it had been brought to his attention by three different people that she was in love with a guy back home named Michael. Clearly disgusted (because nothing infuriates our good host more than fraudulent intentions), Harrison explained that Michael believed he and Casey S were still in a relationship. They had even been living together right up until Casey S left to come on the show. A lot of word fumbling from Casey S followed, but the gist of her story was this: Michael never planned to marry her, so she wanted to come on The Bachelor, fall in love with Ben, get engaged and then rub Michael's stupid nose in it. When asked if she was still in love with Michael, however, Casey S deflatedly admitted she was. Satisfied, Harrison escorted her to Ben's hotel room like a teacher would a trouble-making student to the principal's office. Ben tried to act surprised when he opened the door, and after hearing Casey's story, he scolded her for her deceptiveness, which caused Casey S to erupt in a cry that sounded more like the sound a man makes when he aggressively blows his nose. When the escapade was over and Casey S had been sent home, Chris Harrison returned to the girls' suite and threatened each of them to "be open" or step away.


The cocktail party at the end of the episode was largely routine. Well, except for Jamie's bungled Kissing 101 Tutorial. When Jamie finally got Ben all to herself in a secluded nook where they could not be interrupted, she hiked up her dress, straddled him and forcibly kissed him. Stunned, Ben backed away and laughed. Embarrassed, Jamie got up from Ben's lap and asked if she could try the kiss again. But, before she did, she instructed Ben of how the kiss should go. She'd start with her mouth open, he'd have his mouth closed, then they'd switch, and then switch back, and then they'd just feel each other out from there. For confirmation Ben asked if his mouth should be closed first. Flustered, Jamie changed her mind and told him to keep his mouth open. She leaned in, then leaned back and told him he was not doing it right. Irritated, Ben stopped the kissing class and left Jamie to rejoin the rest of the girls at the party.


With Kacie B, Lindzi and Rachel already holding roses, Ben gave the remaining three flowers to Nicki, Courtney and Emily. After Jamie said her goodbyes and was escorted out the door, Ben told the remaining girls his future wife was "definitely" in the room. Good to know. Next up? Belize.