Bachelor 2012: Week 8

(Author: Matthew)


It's no secret The Bachelor is formulaic. If you've watched the show for more than a season, you know what you're getting each episode. Although the people and date scenarios change year to year, the weekly outcomes are basically the same. That's why, after the season premier, my second-favorite show each year is always the one where the bachelor/bachelorette goes on hometown dates with the final four contestants. These dates provide the greatest potential for the "plot" to go off script. Sure, parents of the contestants almost always cave and give the bachelor/bachelorette their blessing in the end, but sometimes they act like actual parents. And they ask real questions actual parents would ask. More on this later.


The week opened in the alligator-infested swamps of Ocala, FL where Bachelor Ben met Lindzi at a private horse-racing track. Seeing Lindzi gallop up to him reminded Ben of his father and the one time they rode horses together. As Ben explained he never thought horses would become a major part of his life, Lindzi told us, "Horses have been in my life since before I was born." Uh. Okay. 


Ben continued his quest to see all his shorties "open up" to him by pressing Lindzi to talk about her long-term relationship that ended before she came on the show. She admitted to shacking up with her ex. She also explained her parents didn't like the guy, but she didn't care. Neither of those two monstrous red flags bothered Ben one bit. After her confession, Ben said with satisfaction, "I needed to hear that from her. I needed to hear that." He went on to praise Lindzi for her "soft, sweet side." And Lindzi responded by saying she was completely ready for marriage. It was just as confusing to watch as it was for you to read just now.


When this epic, "opening-up" discussion ended, the two left their shaded meadow by the horse track and hopped onto a chariot-like carriage for a short horsey ride through the woods to Lindzi's parents' house. Rich people alert! As their chariot turned the corner onto a pristine gravel driveway, we saw her parents waiting for them and sipping chardonay underneath a tree in a couple of outdoor lounge chairs. While I never caught Lindzi's mother's name, I know her dad's name was Harry, because Ben took every single opportunity he got to condescendingly call him by his first name. Punk. 


After gulping down a couple glasses of chardonay, Harry wiped his mouth, stood up, and challenged Ben to a carriage race. He told Ben he would be PEEEE-nalized if he didn't talk trash during the horse battle. Not surprisingly, Harry and Mrs. Harry smoked Lindzi and Ben in the race. As punishment for finishing second, Harry made Ben and Lindzi put the horses in the stable and then pull one of the horse carriages to the house as he and Mrs. Harry proudly sat inside it. Now THAT'S the way you shame the dude who's trying to court your daughter. Harry, well done, you.


At the house, Lindzi and Mrs. Harry traded hyperbole about Lindzi's current dating situation. Lindzi said she saw a "forever future" with Ben. Mrs. Harry worried Lindzi might be headed toward "an end of the world heartbreak." Dang. 


Ben got some time with Mrs. Harry next. She explained she and Harry kept Lindzi focused on horses and drill team all her life. No boys were allowed. Oblivious of the implications of those comments, Ben asked Mrs. Harry if she thought Lindzi had healed from her recent heartbreak. After agreeing she had, Ben and Mrs. Harry hugged it out. 


Afterward, Ben got some one-on-one time with Harry and kinda sorta asked permission to marry Lindzi without coming right out and asking the question specifically. Harry deftly dodged Ben's weak attempt and told him he thought Ben was a nice man. Eat it, sucka. Ben summarized his conversations with Lindzi's parents by calling them "the salt of the earth." Upon hearing that, Harry strolled over and punched Ben in the face and asked him if he liked apples. Not really. That's what SHOULD have happened, though. What went down instead was an abrupt change of course where Harry proposed a toast, reiterated what a nice man Ben was and told him he and Mrs. Harry would be honored to have him as their son-in-law. So disappointing. After kissing Lindzi goodbye, Ben told us he might be falling in love with Lindzi, which is kind of important since, you know, he might be proposing to her in a couple weeks.


Ben's second hometown date took him to Clarkesville, TN where he was dropped off at a high school football stadium named, Buster Boguskie Field. Bewildered, Ben walked into the stadium as a marching band tuned up from the opposite end of the field. Behind the band was Kacie B, keeping in step and proudly twirling her baton. When the performance ended, Kacie B explained the field had been named after her grandfather, who was a former sporting goods salesman turned city councilman turned black market firearms dealer/mob boss (only two of those things are true). Unimpressed, Ben opened a bottle of wine at the top of the stadium bleachers and asked her to describe her parents. With horror, Ben glared at Kacie B as she told him her father was a no-nonsense, federal probation officer who did not drink alcohol. Ah oh.


From the moment they arrived at Kacie B's parents' house, a concrete wall of resistance pervaded the air. Kacie B's dad, Denny, and mother, Martha, were resolute in their firm coolness to the idea that their daughter was dating a philandering hippie boy from California. It was easily my favorite 15 minutes of the entire season. 


From the get-go, Denny was strategically unfriendly. He didn't laugh at any of Ben's stories and wore an obvious look of disgust on his face at all times. During their one-on-one time, Denny even went the extra mile to make Ben uncomfortable by dragging wooden chairs into the living room to sit and talk in as an unoccupied couch sat right behind them. It was a genius move, which I may or may not have stowed away for later just in case I end up with a daughter and I have to grill some unfortunate boy who wants to marry her one day.


Denny opened the interrogation with a simple question, "Explain why you like my daughter." Inexplicably unprepared, Ben fumbled around in his answer and ended up landing on two points: she's surprised him and she's a good communicator. Throughout Ben's response, Denny stared at him with piercing eyes while offering zero feedback other than the occasional, "mmmhhhmmm" and "hhhemmm." Ben countered with a question of his own and asked Denny if he was okay with "this." Denny told him he was skeptical and he didn't want them to rush into anything. Ben comforted him by saying he wouldn't rush the relationship. If Bachelor Ben had had any sense at all, he would've stopped and cut his losses right there, but he foolishly pressed ahead by telling Denny all about the feelings he had for his daughter, AS WELL AS the other three girls left in the contest. Disgusted, Denny commanded Ben to dump his daughter the moment he knew she was not to be his fiancee. Perplexed, Ben agreed.


Next, Ben got to spend a few minutes alone with Momma Martha. She wasted no time sweetly outlining her child-rearing philosophies. Apparently, Kacie B and her sister never ever had a babysitter growing up, because only Martha could teach them the values of integriteeee, communiteeee and courage. I had two reactions to this. One, Martha was clearly just as obscenely controlling as Denny. And two, I didn't realize babysitters were so powerfully influential. Are they the most grossly underpaid people in the world? Anyway. Back to Martha. She went on to say she wanted husbands for her daughters who had the same values she'd worked so hard to instil in them. Then, she dropped the hammer. She had a "serious problem" with Ben moving in together with Kacie B if he decided to give her the final rose. Stunned, Ben dodged the question and said he knew he and Kacie B's parents would never see eye-to-eye on everything they did. He went on to claim he was a man of values and he'd definitely ask their permission if he chose to propose to their daughter. Game. Set. Match. ...Courtney the Wicked.


Now, if you've been paying any attention at all this season, then you know it's been a two-horse race between Kacie B and Courtney the Wicked since the show's second or third week. You also know that Ben turns on a dime and runs from any real resistance or hardship of any kind. If you're hard-to-figure out (Rachel), crazy (Big Teeth Blakely (BTB)), not quite in it for the right reasons (Casey S), over-confident (Elyse), awkward (Jamie) or the arch nemesis of models (Emily), then you're doomed from the start. (You might counter by saying, "What about Courtney the Wicked?! She's messes with his head every week!" I'd counter your counter by saying she always gives him easy challenges he's able to win. There's no sustained confusion between them, because she's a bachelor genius. No matter whether or not you like her, you have to recognize the strategy she's used all along has been entirely bulletproof.) Again, by about episode three, it was crystal clear our 2012 Bachelor winner was going to be either Kacie B or Courtney the Wicked. CW even admitted she had a legitimate fear of Kacie B in several different episodes. The moment Bachelor Ben walked into Kacie B's house, however, Courtney the Wicked sealed her Bachelor victory. There was just no way Ben was going to deal with the kind of genuine opposition Kacie B's parents would've given him should he continue to date their daughter. And Kacie B had to know this as she walked him from her parents' house to his car and kissed him goodbye. (NOTE: if someone else ends up winning, please forget everything I just said.)


From Clarkesville, TN, Ben traveled to Fort Worth, TX, Nicki's hometown. The first place they visited was a cowboy apparel store (of course). As they tried on different cowboy boots and hats, Nicki told us she believed that, "Like a good pair of cowboy boots, I think I'm the best fit for Ben." True to form, both Ben and Nicki left the store looking as ridiculously touristy as possible in their gaudy shirts, gigantic belt buckles and sparkling new cowboy boots. After frightening the locals on the city sidewalks for a bit, Ben and Nicki ducked into a nearby salon and pounded a couple long island iced teas. From there, they walked to a park, found a bench, drank some wine and played the "tell me about your parents" game. Nicki admitted she was a daddy's girl. She also admitted neither her mom or pops spoke up loudly enough as she careened toward the disaster that was her first marriage. When the picnic ended, Nicki boldly told us, "Tonight is the most crucial night. Either it's welcome to the family or it's not in the cards for us." Giddy, I got excited about the possibility of a Denny & Martha 2.0 situation. 


My excitement was short-lived. Nicki's parents could not have been further away from Denny and Martha on the protectiveness spectrum. Nicki's mother, Laura, fawned over Ben immediately. Nicki's father, Doug, just seemed grateful to be there. Laughing, he asked Ben if he was ever able to get a word in with Nicki. Chuckling, Ben told him how much he liked the way Nicki communicates. (Why Ben used "good communicator" as his go-to answer for the parents on the hometown dates instead of tried-and-true descriptors like "beautiful," "caring," "intelligent," "honest," "funny" and "kind" will always be a mystery to me.)


When Doug got some alone time with Nicki, he tearfully apologized about giving his blessing the first time Nicki got married. He wished he had been firmer and he felt like he let her down. It was definitely "a moment." When the gang got back together at the dinner table, Doug gave a toast, called Ben a tremendous young man and told him he hoped to see much more of him in the future. Before leaving, Nicki told Ben she'd had "the best day" of her life and made sure he knew she was REALLY in love with him. As Ben's SUV rolled away, Nicki looked to the camera and asked, "Why wouldn't he want a future with me?" The answer to that question was, of course...


Courtney the Wicked. Ben ended the round of hometown dates by traveling to CW's hometown of Scottsdale, AZ. As she waited for Ben, CW said with a straight face she was very excited to share the day with her favorite guy, a guy, who, isn't like all the guys in her past who either hurt her or let her down. After embracing, the two went straight to her parents' house.


If I had to describe the parents we met in the hometown dates, I'd say Lindzi's parents were the most hospitable, Kacie B's were the most inflexible, Nicki's were the most pliable and CW's were the most mindful. They seemed to understand exactly who their daughter was. And so did CW's sister, Rachel. When, in their alone time together CW revealed to Rachel she'd gone skinny dipping with Ben in Puerto Rico, Rachel responded the same way she might have if CW had told her she drank a cup of coffee that morning after she got out of bed. She didn't blink. Her facial expression didn't change at all.


During Ben's one-on-one time with CW's dad, Rick, he listened as Rick asked the Jim Nantz-esque, I-prepared-this-last-night-as-I-brainstormed-in-a-notebook question, "Marriage is life's greatest gamble. And there's a 50% chance of winning. Are you willing to make that bet, Ben?" Keeping his perfect score of avoidance in tact, Ben dodged the question. Rick seemed for just a moment like he might press the issue, but relented and said he'd be happy to have Ben as a son-in-law. 


CW's time with her mother, Sherry, was my second-favorite part of the episode. CW tried to use her full bag of manipulation tricks by frequently interrupting Sherry with compliments and questions as Sherry started their discussion about Ben. Unfazed, Sherry continued on. She reminded CW she'd been right every single time on every single guy CW had ever dated. CW agreed and then explained how Ben made her feel special and appreciated. Sherry summarized the conversation by saying she liked Ben, she thought CW loved Ben and the two of them were very compatible. In the end, CW's entire family approved of Bachelor Ben and CW told us her faith in men had been restored! Fantastic! But, she wasn't finished.


In true Courtney the Wicked fashion, she was far from finished, actually. After family time, CW took Ben on picnic to one of the first places she had a photo shoot when her modeling career began taking off at the age of 17. She pointed to an outdoor wedding chapel in the corner of the park and told him it was time to get vulnerable. They strolled over to chapel, wrote some makeshift vows, walked down the aisle and exchanged thread rings. In CW's seemingly sincere vow, she nervously told Ben she was looking for "real, lasting, awesome love." And, she thought she'd found it with Ben. She ended the vow by telling him she was in love with him. They walked down the aisle, hopped into an SUV and rode off into the sunset as the words, "Almost Married," came into view on the SUV's back windshield. 


That's how the hometown dates are done folks. Do the family time first, one-on-one date second and end the whole thing by telling him you love him/her. I will now append CW's name and refer to her as Courtney the Wicked Bachelor Genius from here on out.


As the week culminated with the rose ceremony back in L.A., the outcome could not have been more obvious. Ben gave the three roses to CWBG, Lindzi and...Nicki. He faked his way through brokenheartedness as he escorted Kacie B to her limo. Once inside, Kacie B completely lost it. Here is pretty much her word-for-word reaction:


"Why does it have to hurt so bad?! I thought I knew what he was looking for, but I guess I was COMPLETELY wrong! I'm so upset. (indecipherable squealings) It's not me!! I thought it was me! Why am I not good enough! I don't get it. This is why I don't love...I don't...why?! How did this happen?! What the $%&# happened??"


At first I felt kinda bad for little Kacie B. But then I realized she came out ahead in the end. She would've resented her parents and maybe Ben, too, if she'd ended up with him. Unfortunately, I do think she's probably a lock for Bachelor Pad this summer. Oh well. She's going to be fine. Eventually.


Next week, Ben and the girls travel to beautiful Switzerland where a "surprise" guest intrudes unexpectedly. It's gotta be Emily, right?