We Creasmans: 2011

(Author: Matthew)

For The Bachelor 2012 season, I figured I’d get all-serious and write a preview post based solely on the biography data and headshots on abc.com’s The Bachelor bachelorette bio page, which can be found here. I’ll tackle each bachelorette and then give my sure-to-be-wrong predictions on how each girl will finish. Let’s do this…

Amber B.
Age: 23

Occupation: Labor and Delivery Nurse

Hometown: Port Coquitlam, Canada

I’m not sure what to make of Amber B. She’s from Canada, so I’ll choose to believe the common stereotype and assume she’s super nice and polite. She claims her most-romantic present ever was a mixed CD someone gave her with an explanation of why each song was chosen and what it had to do with her. Maybe she hasn’t had a lot of boyfriends.

Prediction: Gone after first show.

Amber T.

Age: 28

Occupation: Critical Care Nurse

Hometown: Waverly, NE

Of the two Ambers, I have a better feeling about Amber T. She claims if she was stranded on a desert island all she’d need was flint, a knife and beer. Whoa. Either she’s lying to sound tough, or she’s super-duper hardcore. Either way, my guess is her act (whether true or embellished) gets Ben’s attention.

Prediction: Top 5.

Anna

Age: 25

Occupation: Student

Hometown: Ontario, Canada

Three bachelorettes in and already, we have another Canuck. American girls must be catching on that going on The Bachelor is a just-plain-horrible idea. Anna uses multiple exclamation points in her bio. She claims her three best attributes are: “my smile, my positive attitude and my ability to make friends with anyone that I meet.” Translation: she’s probably annoying.

Prediction: Gone after first or second show.

Blakely

Age: 34

Occupation: VIP Cocktail Waitress

Hometown: Rutherfordton, NC

Blakely has bona-fide crazy eyes. If she doesn’t turn out to be this season’s token over-aggressive, I’m-ready-to-get-married-like-right-now girls, then I don’t know what to tell you. I’m going with my gut and guessing this mid-30s, single waitress who has four tattoos and calls her dog “my everything” will be up to stuff as soon as she gets to the mansion. And for this reason, the producers will ask Ben to keep her around a little while longer than any sane man would.

Prediction: Top 10.

Brittney

Age: 26

Occupation: Medical Sales Rep

Hometown: Colorado Springs, CO

Brittney claims the most romantic present she ever received was a stuffed animal signed by John Elway. There’s no way that’s true. Most guys would be impressed by this, but not Ben. I doubt he’s ever even seen a football game. Not a good sign for Brittney.

Prediction: Gone after first show.

Casey S.

Age: 26

Occupation: Trading Clerk

Hometown: Leawood, KS

Another crazy-eyes alert! Blakely’s got her beat in that department, though. In an effort to appeal to middle America, the producers might have fabricated her bio. She’s from Kansas. Her heroes are her parents because of the way they lived out their values. And, her favorite book is “Catcher in the Rye.” I’m not making this up. Is she?

Prediction: Gone after first or second show.

Courtney

Age: 28

Occupation: Model

Hometown: Scottsdale, AZ

Courtney is a lock for the top five. I’m telling you. Mark it down now. She’s a model and she’s not afraid of good-ole-fashioned hyperbole. When asked if she considers herself a romantic she answered this way: “I’m a hopeless romantic. Love is my religion. I’m in love with love. All I want is to find the right guy and love him forever.” Do people really talk this way? None of the other girls are going to like her. But Ben will. And this will, of course, lead to several tearful conversations between Ben and Courtney and also between Ben and the other bachelorettes. Basically, Courtney is a Michelle Money clone. Shoot me.

Prediction: Top 5.

Dianna

Age: 30

Occupation: Nonprofit Director

Hometown: San Gabriel, CA

Because of Dianna’s vocation (nonprofit director), she’s used to hobnobbing with rich people. So, she should be very comfortable around Ben. Other than that, I have no other thoughts on Dianna.

Prediction: Top 15.

Elyse

Age: 24

Occupation: Personal Trainer

Hometown: Chicago, IL

Ben is either going to immediately love or despise Elyse with no in-between. She’s bound to be extremely outgoing, positive and maybe even a little (or a lot) loud. I’m leaning toward Ben loving her because she claims she’s funny. I’m just going to take her word for it.

Prediction: Top 5.

Emily

Age: 27

Occupation: Ph.D. Student

Hometown: Chapel Hill, NC

Emily is our first Southern girl in the group. From her bio, she SEEMS like she’d be pretty cool. She says her most embarrassing moment was when an online dating site matched her with her brother. Asked if she likes to go out dancing, she responds by saying, “Yes. I like to ‘drop it like it’s hot.’ I try to replicate some zumba routines on the dance floor and usually end up getting made fun of.” At the very least, she doesn’t take herself too seriously, which should make her stand out from all the lunatics in the group.

Prediction: Top 15.

Erika

Age: 23

Occupation: Law Student

Hometown: Charlottesville, VA

Erika says if she could be anyone else for just one day, she’d be Pittsburgh Steelers All-Pro safety, Troy Polamalu. Weird. Also, her ideal mate needs to have a similar sense of humor. Red flag! Ben may be the most wooden bachelor in the show’s history (granted, I’ve only watched the show for two seasons, but I’ve got to be right about this). Erika has two tattoos, one on her wrist and the other on her lip. Her lip? I’m not seeing it on her headshot. Wait a minute… Does she mean? No way. Moving on!

Prediction: Gone after first or second show.

Holly

Age: 34

Occupation: Pharmaceutical Sales Rep

Hometown: Salyersville, KY

And the new leader in the clubhouse for the craziest-crazy-eyes contest is…Holly! Her bio makes her sound normal, and she doesn’t even have any tattoos. But I can’t get past her fabulous set of crazy eyes. There’s got to be a reason for them.

Prediction: Gone after first show.

Jaclyn

Age: 27

Occupation: Advertising Account Manager

Hometown: Newton, MA

If Jaclyn could be anyone for a day, she’d be Gisele Bundchen. That seems more reasonable than Troy Polamalu (I’m still weirded out Erika). Jaclyn likes undisclosed-location dates and holding hands during after-dinner strolls. Pretty vanilla stuff.

Prediction: Gone after first show.

Jamie

Age: 25

Occupation: Registered Nurse

Hometown: Dryden, NY

I like Jamie’s odds of becoming obscenely over-invested in Ben from the moment they meet. Why? Because her favorite author is Danielle Steele (the lady who writes those super-market novels with Fabio on the cover). She describes her ideal mate’s personality to be: “loyal, respectable, funny, approachable, charismatic, honest, hard-working, intelligent, kind, polite and has to have great ‘father’ qualities.” Oh yeah. Jamie is absolutely gonna get her heart broken.

Prediction: Gone after first or second show.

Jenna

Age: 27

Occupation: Blogger

Hometown: Loveland, OH

Her occupation alone makes me think Jenna’s going to stick around for a while. Has there been a “blogger” on the show before? I wonder what she blogs about? Jenna says she loves making people laugh and doesn’t “need to be courted…I like spontaneity…anything goes.” Call me crazy, but I’m betting she’ll be fun to watch.

Prediction: Top 10.

Jennifer

Age: 28

Occupation: Accountant

Hometown: Cache, OK

Okay. Take Blakely’s crazy eyes and multiply them by Holly’s and you’d get Jennifer’s sensational set of crazy eyes. I mean. Wow. If she could be anyone for a day, she would be her grandparents. Not her grandmother or her grandfather. Her grandparents. Her favorite all-time book is “The Notebook” even though she claims she never reads love stories because they seem unrealistic. (The plot of “The Notebook” must play out all the time in Cache, OK. To recap: two kids meet when they are teenagers, hang out for a summer, fall madly in love, and then are forbidden to see each other by the girl’s uppity parents because the boy is poor. The poor boy then writes 365 letters to the girl, but the girl’s mom steals them and inexplicably keeps them all, the girl gets engaged to a well-to-do lad, then the poor boy builds a house and his picture gets put in the paper, the girl sees the picture, drops everything to go say hi, then cheats on her well-to-do fiancé with the poor boy. The mom comes to visit, gives her daughter all 365 of the stolen letters, the girl chooses the poor boy over her fiancé and, many years later, the poor boy reads this unlikely story everyday to the girl, who is now supremely demented, so she’ll remember the story is about her for two minutes before she goes back to being demented again. So. This story is realistic? How?) Other noteworthy facts about Jennifer: she is confident, likes to have special things (like homemade gifts) done for her and has four tattoos (location: feet, right hip and lower back). I’ll just say this: I’m very excited to see Jennifer’s performance in the season premier.

Prediction: Top 15.

Kacie

Age: 24

Occupation: Administrative Assistant

Hometown: Clarksville, TN

Kacie claims she’s read “so many” books, and her favorite of them all is, “The Time Traveler’s Wife.” Of course it is. Like a couple of the other bachelorettes, she was all over the board when describing her ideal mate. She wants her ideal mate’s personality to be, “outgoing, fun-loving, athletic, driven, goal-oriented, sensitive but strong, not afraid to try new things, Christian, family-oriented and love children.” How does someone have an “athletic” personality? It’s also worth noting Kacie has three tattoos, one on her foot, another on her side and the third in “another location.” I’m guessing she’s the token firecracker of the house. Producers like firecrackers.

Prediction: Top 10.

Lindzi C.

Age: 27

Occupation: Business Development Manager

Hometown: Ocala, FL

I’m all kinds of excited to see Lindzi go to work this season. Her bio makes her sound a little kooky. In sharp contrast to Amber T, when Lindzi C was asked what she’d bring to a desert island, she answered, “sombrero – I’m allergic to the sun so it would be good for shade, pool float toys – I love to float in the ocean, and my iPhone for its camera app – I love photography.” Those were seriously her answers. Go check if you don’t believe me. The longer Lindzi C stays alive in this contest, the better off we’ll all be. Trust me.

Prediction: Top 5.

Lyndsie J.

Age: 29

Occupation: Internet Entrepreneur

Hometown: London, England

Lyndsie says she likes being the center of attention, entertaining and making people laugh and smile. As long as she doesn't get on Ben's nerves, it would be a humongous upset if she doesn’t make the top 10. Why? Because she’s from London. She’s going to have a killer accent. The accent alone will keep her around a little longer in the competition than if she had the exact same qualities but was born somewhere like Springfield, IL. I’m telling you.

Prediction: Top 10.

Monica

Age: 33

Occupation: Dental Consultant

Hometown: Yuba City, CA

Monica seems a little phony to me. Either she’s genuinely weird (which could be a good thing), or she’s just making up her bio answers. Here’s what I’m talking about… One of the three things she’d take with her on a desert island is lip gloss. Her favorite holiday is St. Patrick’s Day. And, the most romantic U.S. city in her opinion is San Antonio. I’m highly dubious of Monica.

Prediction: Gone after first show.

Nicki

Age: 26

Occupation: Dental Hygienist

Hometown: Hurst, TX

Nicki claims her three best attributes are “the ability to make people feel comfortable, sincerity and I’m fun.” When asked how she’d approach a man she’d never met before, she answered, “Make him notice me (walk by, talk to his friend, etc.) then make flirtatious eye contact with him until he approaches me.” As long as Nicki stays flirtatious and doesn’t cross the thin line to desperation, I like her chances at winning the whole thing. Just a hunch.

Prediction: Top 5.

Rachel

Age: 27

Occupation: Fashion Sales Rep

Hometown: Southampton, MA

Rachel has a nose ring. Also, she’s dealt with haters in her life. People back home doubted her when she moved to NYC all by herself like a big girl. She brushed her shoulders off and showed them suckas. I’m hoping she has a wicked-awesome New England accent. Please, oh, please.

Prediction: Top 10.

Samantha

Age: 26

Occupation: Advertising Account Manager

Hometown: Pittsburgh, PA

I don’t have much to say about Samantha. All these girls are starting to run together. She spilled a drink on herself one time and she’s a hopeless romantic. So. There’s that.

Prediction: Gone after first show.

Shawn

Age: 28

Occupation: Financial Advisor

Hometown: Cincinnati, OH

Compared with the rest of the bachelorettes in the field, I’d say Shwan has about a 4% chance of winning this thing. And that’s the fundamental flaw with The Bachelor. Because, in real life, Shawn is absolutely the type of girl Ben would have dated before he garnered Bachelor fame. When asked who’d she’d be for just one day, she replied by saying, “I would be someone in a third-world country so I could live, feel, hear and know for my own experience just how blessed I am.” When asked how she’d impress a guy, she said she’d “be very polite and respectful and choose something that showed him I was attentive to who he was and what he liked.” When describing her ideal mate’s personality, one of the words she used was, “coy.” Doesn’t this seem like someone who is picture-perfect for Ben? Of course it does. Will she win? Of course not.

Prediction: Top 15.

Sheryl

Age: 107

Occupation: Being Ridiculous

Hometown: Some Nursing Home, Somewhere

This is stupid. I’m not saying anything more.

Prediction: Gone after first show.

Shira

Age: ??

Occupation: Actress

Hometown: Massapequa Park, NY

Why do the show if you’re going to lie (by omission) about your age? I don’t get it. I’m guessing that because she looks like she’s in her early 30s, she’s either 21 or 41. I wouldn’t be surprised either way. Shira has a Siamese cat named Baby Sebastian Ted Striker. What in the world? If she could be anyone for a day, she’d be Barack Obama so she could “hold an emergency press conference and say everything I’ve ever wanted to say to the world.” Could this be our winner for the most-psychotic girl in the group? Let’s keep an eye on her.

Prediction: Top 15.

At gunpoint, I’d choose Nicki to win the final rose with Amber T, Lindzi C, Courtney and Elyse rounding out the top five. Of course, all of this is based on headshots and biographical data, so there’s a 100% chance I have no idea what I’m talking about. We’ll know more in a few days after the season premier. Who’s ready?