Bachelor 2012: Week 2

(Author: Matthew)

Week two of the 2012 Bachelor season might as well have been a two-hour infomercial for Sonoma. The city’s name was said somewhere in the neighborhood of 40 and 6,571 times.

The entire show could be summed up in these three sentences:

1. Ben loves Sonoma.
2. Sonoma is Ben’s life.
3. If the girls can’t handle Sonoma, then they can’t handle Ben.

Kacie B was the first of the bachelorettes to learn and experience Ben's above three rules of life. From the get-go, it was utterly ridiculous. After five minutes of hanging out with Ben, Kacie told us, “Ben brings out things in me that I haven’t been in touch with for a long time.” The show’s editors made it seem like those “things” were Kacie’s super-duper, baton-twirling skills, (she just happened to find a baton in a main-street shop window), but I’m not entirely convinced that’s what she meant (just like I’m not entirely convinced SHE knew what she meant).

A little while later, we got to see Ben and Kacie have an uncomfortable dinner conversation where Kacie peppered Ben with questions about his deceased father, and Ben got tongue-tied, so Kacie just answered the questions for him. Of course, in the very next shot, Kacie told us how natural her chemistry was with Ben. Huh?

After dinner, Ben gave Kacie a rose, and he took her to an old-timey movie theater where they watched home videos from their respective childhoods. Seeing his father on the videos made Ben tear up, which made Kacie tear up, which made my wife tear up, which made me laugh.

The next day, Ben practiced his goober walk in the park and met a handful of his girls for a group date. Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) used the opportunity to showcase her…self. Meanwhile, Ben used the date to talk more nonsense about how Sonoma is a “community built on family,” or something dumb like that. This was followed by more small-town-community hogwash where Ben forced the girls to accept acting roles in a community theater play he claimed a bunch of elementary school kids, and not himself, had written. In the play Ben feigned a dreadful British accent and clomped around while probably thinking he was all awesome and stuff. It was tough to watch.

The group date ended (like all group dates do) at a fancy outdoor swimming pool. After the girls had changed into their bathing suits, Ben took turns making out with them. That’s not entirely true, but it’s not entirely false either. The highlights of the pool party all revolved around how everyone hated Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) because she was so…friendly with Ben. Jaclyn, summed it up perfectly, “Blakely…more like...Fakely.” Burn. Even so, Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) earned the group date rose. She would not be denied.

On Ben’s second one-on-one date, Ben took Courtney on some faux-hiking excursion through the woods. He also took his Jack Russell terrier, Scotch. After about Scotch’s third second of screen time, Cecilia blurted out, “I want Scotch to go on every date!” She was completely serious. And after watching the date, I agreed with her. After their walk through the woods, Ben and Courtney rode on a tractor, Ben waxed eloquent about Sonoma, they ate dinner in a vineyard, awkwardly kissed each other, and then Ben gave Courtney a rose and they kissed some more. Now, Courtney is a lunatic. Deep down, Ben knows this; he has to. The only thing that’s keeping her around is the fact that by profession she is a “model.” Ben likes that. If Courtney were a financial analyst or critical care nurse, he wouldn’t care as much. If I’ve got this wrong, and none of this is true, then Ben is in HUGE trouble.

At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) continued to antagonize her opponents. After Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) interrupted Ben’s one-on-one time with Samantha AND Erika, Emily questioned Big Teeth Blakely (BTB)’s “morals.” I was just as confused to hear Emily say it, as you were to read it just now.

After that, Jenna grabbed Ben for some alone time on an outdoor couch, and, within 10 seconds, said the phrase, “I feel like I’m a guy in how I act.” Looking like a trapped zebra about to be devoured by a tiger, Ben sat there for a few tense moments until Jaclyn came outside and asked if she could steal him. Before she had even finished her question, Ben had risen up off the couch and started walking Jaclyn's direction. Afterward, Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) fake cried and Jenna real cried, and both successfully garnered Ben’s attention (a dangerous precedent).

At the rose ceremony, in addition to the roses he’d already given to Kacie B, Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) and Courtney, Ben distributed roses to Jennifer, Emily, Elyse, Jaclyn, Erika, Rachel, Lyndzi, Nicki, Casey S, Samantha, Monica, Jamie and Brittney. 

This led to the obligatory Jenna meltdown, where she delivered this beauty: “I came here for love! Are you kidding me?! No, really, are you kidding me?! I’m mortified! I never find love! I’ve always been trying to find it!” Best of luck to you, Jenna. You’re going to need it.

Bachelor 2012: Week 1

(Author: Matthew)

The Bachelor started this season the same ole formulaic way it always does. We saw the highlights of our new Bachelor (Ben) getting his heart ripped out by the former Bachelorette (Ashley). The apex of Ben’s bad day on the beach was, of course, his killer, in-no-way-was-this-prepared-beforehand-should-I-lose quote, “Good things don’t end unless they end badly.” Tremendous.

Staying faithful to the tried-and-true script, we were next treated to the usual montages of the new Bachelor overcoming his heartbrokenness. Look, there’s Ben pouring himself into work! And here he is drinking wine with his friends on his vineyard next to a campfire! Now he’s on a sailboat! Watch out, he’s walking down a hill carrying some wood! And here he is standing on his porch, staring pensively into the distance! Ladies and gentleman, your 2012 Bachelor, Ben Flajnik! Just for good measure, the montage ended with Ben inexplicably playing piano in a meadow. Ben is nothing if not fancy.

After that, we were given life snapshots of nine of Ben’s 26 bachelorettes:

• Lyndzi rode a horse and her last relationship ended via text.
• Amber shot guns and ate cow balls.
• Kacie would love Ben like her grandparents loved each other.
• Courtney said she’s not concerned with the other girls because she’s a model.
•  Jamie raised her brothers and sisters when her dad died because her mom wasn’t up to the task.
• Lyndsie showed us how hyper she is.
• Jenna insinuated her highest aspiration in life is to become Carrie Bradshaw (more on her later).
• Shawn worked at a desk and then played with her son.
• Nicki said, “the next time I get married, it is going to be forever.”

Ben concluded this segment by doing an interview with Chris Harrison where he repeatedly assured us he is READY for this. In this interview he talked about the lingering affects of his dad’s death, how he doesn’t regret the experience of the Bachelorette and how hummingbirds reminded him of something. I have no idea what the hummingbirds had to do with anything because Cecilia, Amanda, Tyler and I started doing Brad Womack impressions and that seemed like a much better use of our time (“Come ‘mere to me.” “I want you here.  I do. I really do.” “Hey, babe.”, etc.). 

Next, were the always-entertaining and completely-ridiculous bachelorette meet and greets with Ben. The quick-hitter highlights:

• Rachel was told she looked, “stunning.”
• Erika, the law student, told him, “The verdict is in. you’re guilty of being sexy.”
• Amber B told Ben she was Canadian and her last name was Bacon. (It really happened.)
• Elyse asked Ben to find her later because she was going to make him sweat a little.
• Jenna got overexcited and tried to repeat Ben’s awesome quote from the Bachelorette, but she butchered it beyond repair.
• Courtney told Ben she had a crush on him and then played with his hair.
• Emily, a student of the transmission of diseases, made him sanitize his hands and mouth before giving him the first kiss of the night.
• Samantha wore a sash and talked with a cheerleader voice.
• Casey was awkward.
• Amber T walked in a circle and told Ben he had a second chance at love at first sight. 
• Holly wore a big hat.
• After Jamie walked inside, Ben said, “I’m loving the brunettes.”
• Shira pretended she knew about wine when she actually didn’t. Ben did not like that.
• Blakely smiled with her big-white teeth.
• Brittney brought her grandmother (Sheryl), which basically forced Ben’s hand into giving her a rose later that night.
• Nicki flirted well.
• Diana claimed she forgot what she meant to say. This technique did not go as she probably had planned.
• Jennifer acted like a nerdy accountant.
• Lyndsie recited a self-written poem in her British accent.
• Anna just walked right by Ben in a move Ben called, “ballsy.”
• Monica confessed she missed her dog more than anything.
• Jaclyn gave Ben two hugs.
• Shawn hit him on the arm.
• Kacie called him, “Benjamin,” and asked him not to sugarcoat anything.
• Lindzi rode up on a horse, allowing Ben to utter, “I’ve never dismounted anyone from a horse.”

After everyone got comfortable inside the mansion, things gradually started to get weird. Ben spent alone time with several girls, including Nicki, who demonstrated flawlessly how to get prematurely over-invested in a love interest. Emily showed Ben her “gangsta side” and performed a rap for him she wrote herself. During her sick flow, Ben could not have been more uncomfortable.

And then. There was Monica. She explained in a room full of drunk and emotional bachelorettes that she felt nothing for Ben. Apparently, this was the most offensive thing anyone had ever said in front of Jenna. She immediately started crying and saying she didn’t “want to be drama.”

Somewhere in the middle of Jenna’s meltdown, Monica ended up on a couch with Blakely and started spooning her. She called Blakely a “gorgeous, real woman.” She followed that up by saying, “If you’re the only thing I get out of this, I have lived, and I have lived great…you’re in my life forever…you’re beautiful, you’re amazing…you know I need your number, right?” The whole time Blakely stared at her silently with a goofy half grin on her face like she was trying to figure out the funny part of a sophisticated joke.

Jenna then cried some more, Lindzi got the first impression rose, and Chris Harrison promptly entered the room with his usual, self-satisfied smile and announced it was time for the rose ceremony. Ben thanked the girls for coming, and told them, “This is the first of many tough decisions.” With Lindzi holding the first-impression rose, Ben proceeded to give the remaining roses to: Jamie, Rachel, Blakely, Emily, Kacie, Casey, Brittney, Erika, Shawn, Nicki, Jennifer, Elyse, Samantha, Courtney, Jaclyn, Monica and Jenna (surprise, surprise).

Of the girls who were sent home, Amber B gave the most memorable quote: “There’s only one Amber Bacon.” Agreed.

As for the rest of this season, it seems pretty predictable. Jenna and Monica will be kept (by the producers) for a few more weeks so America can see them fight. Courtney will do her best Michelle Money impersonation and antagonize the rest of the bachelorettes. Girls will get their hearts broken…and so, too, may Ben. Shocking. I know.