Bachelor 2012: Week 3

(Author: Matthew)

Continuing with last week’s theme of trying to determine whether or not the bachelorettes have got what it takes to make it in Ben’s natural habitat, the gang traveled south to San Francisco, which is Ben’s hometown #2. San Fran is not as good as Ben’s hometown #1. I know this because Ben said San Fran’s name approximately 300 times less than he said, “Sonoma,” last week. So there.

As the girls were riding down in their limousines, Ben grabbed lunch with his Over-Protective Sister Julia. We met Julia last season on the Bachelorette, when she and Ben’s mother systematically belittled Ashley H and obliterated her self-confidence during Ashley’s hometown date with Ben. It was fine performance by them both. Julia quickly reasserted her demand that Ben’s future lady click with both her and their mother. Terrified, Ben changed the subject and talked about how “professional” all the girls were (insert Big Teeth Blakely (BTB) joke here).

Our host, Chris Harrison, met the girls in their San Francisco hotel suite, asked them how they were doing, told them about the dates for the upcoming week and then gazed maniacally around the room and cackled, “I hope to see each of you at the next rose ceremony.” He’s the best.

Ben’s first one-on-one date was with Emily, the Ph.D. student from UNC. Ben decided it would be a great idea to conquer their fear of heights, so they climbed the San Francisco Bay Bridge. Of the challenge, Ben said, “If we can climb this bridge, there’s no telling what heights we can reach in our relationship.” How dare you, sir! You KNOW The Gentleman Ames would’ve said exactly the same thing. You’re not going to believe this, but there was a moment when Emily lost confidence on the climb up. Ben kissed her, and Emily forgot all her fears and turned around and bounded up the remaining distance to the top. That never happens. Ever.

At dinner later that night, Emily told Ben what was supposed to be a funny story about getting matched up on an online dating site with her brother. Ben didn’t laugh because he was too busy thinking of a way to get back to first base. He told her he liked that she was smarter than him, gave her the rose, kissed her and then walked her down a pier for a private fireworks show. Recapping the date Ben said, “words can’t describe” what happened. I don’t know. I feel like I did a pretty decent job describing it, friend.

On the group date, Ben took the girls to a San Francisco street that had been blocked off and converted into a downhill ski slope with manmade snow. Since it was 80 degrees outside, it was really just another creative way to get the bachelorettes in their swimsuits. Afterward, he took the girls to the Tonga Room and Hurricane Bar, the Fairmont Hotel’s iconic tropical tiki lounge. Meanwhile, back at the room the second one-on-one date card arrived for Brittney. Her excitement immediately turned to dread, as she asked aloud, “what if I don’t get a rose?”

Back at the tiki bar, Rachel pounced on Ben like a puma and spent a few moments verbally upchucking about how awesome he is. Ben smiled in agreement, and then allowed her to grab his face for a round of tongue hockey. Shortly thereafter, Kacie B took Ben for a walk and whined about how hard the competition is. Ben told her he didn’t have the words to console her, so instead, he made out with her. Of the two girls, Rachel must’ve been the better kisser, for it was she who received the group date rose. (Side note: in the scene where Ben gave away the group date rose, Monica was a BLUBBERING MESS in the background. Cecilia and I guessed the reason for her grief revolved around Brittney (see below), but even so, it was super-duper strange. Naturally, we rewound and re-watched it three times before we reached this conclusion.)

While all this was transpiring, Brittney made up her mind to follow her heart and leave the competition (translation: she thought she would get sent home anyway, so she self-sabotaged herself to save Ben the trouble). Outraged, Cecilia yelled at the TV, “What the heck is your grandma gonna say, Brittney?!” Brittney packed up her stuff, went downstairs to the tiki bar, and stole Ben away from the group date so she could explain that she “doesn’t deserve a chance with him” and she doesn’t “want to waste his second one-on-one date in San Francisco.” Ben feigned heartbreak and muttered some gibberish about how Brittney leaving represented the scary possibility of how any girl could leave the show whenever she wanted, which worried him since he doesn’t want to end up alone. Poor, poor jail master.

With Brittney out of the picture, Lyndzi received the second one-on-one date. Ben took her around the city in a trolley car and acted like he was a big deal around town. They stopped at a famous ice cream shop, jumped the line as the common folk angrily eye-balled them and grabbed a couple ice cream cones as Ben faked like he was boys with the shop’s manager (their man hug was NOT legit). Next they drove through China Town and Lyndzi went on and on about how great a tour guide Ben was. They stopped at City Hall, Ben took a key out of his pocket, they walked into the main lobby and, at the top of the steps, Matt Nathanson began playing a private concert. Ben and Lyndzi immediately started kissing. Ben later claimed the kiss was “unexpected.” Uh huh.

After City Hall, Ben took Lyndzi to a speak easy that required a password (yes, it was actually as cool as it sounds). He asked her why she was still single and she described the long-time relationship she had that ended with a text message from her ex that said, “welcome to dumpsville: population you.” Of course, she was in no way to blame for this insensitivity. The night was capped off in a piano store where Ben taught Lyndzi how to play a simple duet. In the middle of another song he was playing, Ben transitioned into David Gray’s, “This Year’s Love,” while using the classic look-how-surprised-I-am-that-I-did-that face that musicians make when they do something “unexpected.” Lyndzi was so impressed. Somewhere in the middle of all that, and I forget where, Ben gave Lyndzi a rose.

As soon as Cecilia saw Big Teeth Blakely’s (BTB’s) dress at the cocktail party, she went off about how she (Cecilia) wore the same dress during a Spring 2005 Alpha Tau function. She promptly texted several of her sorority sisters to tell them about it. Girls are so weird sometimes. The party started out by Ben French kissing Jennifer on a couch and revealing that she was the best kisser in the competition. Upon hearing this admission, she claimed she was in love. After that, Courtney took Ben up to a balcony and did her ever-increasing, I’m-giving-you-as-many-chances-as-I-can-so-you-have-no-excuses-for-not-knowing-I’m-a-phsyco routine. In the middle of their conversation, Courtney uttered, “You could make cute babies.” Ah oh.

In an interesting twist, Shawntel the mortician, from Brad Womack’s Bachelor season, made arrangements with Chris Harrison to crash the cocktail party and profess her love for Ben. It was not made perfectly clear how, but the two of them had made a previous connection and the night’s cocktail party would be their reckoning. As she walked through the room, she attained her desired effect. All the girls turned on her as one and Ben exclaimed “holy $%&!” as he saw her. She told Ben she wanted the same chance at love the other girls had and asked to attend the night’s rose ceremony. Confounded, Ben excused himself so he could have time alone to think. In his absence, the girls alternated taking varying degrees of cheap shots at Shawntel. Nicki (and others) started crying. Elyse blurted out, “You didn’t know Ben! You were from Brad’s season!” Jacyln, as usual, had the best quotes: “I mean, I feel I’m better than Shawntel. I do. And listen girl, you had your chance and you freaking lost.” Later, Jaclyn’s rage turned to despair as she said before the rose ceremony, “I’m getting dumped by a girl he’s known for three minutes.” Fantastic.

At the rose ceremony, with Emily, Rachel and Lyndzi already clutching the roses they’d earned earlier in the week, Ben distributed the other roses to Courtney, Kacie B, Elyse, Jamie, Jennifer, Casey S, Big Teeth Blakely (BTB), Monica and Nicki. For effect, he paused before the final rose, with Jaclyn, Erika, Samantha and Shawntel eagerly awaiting his remarks. He tried to give a speech about how hard his decision was, but Erika’s knees would not cooperate, and she abruptly fainted. After the producers made sure she was fit to stand trial, they stood her back up, Ben launched into his speech again, addressed each of the four girls without a rose and gave the final rose to Samantha. Heartbroken, Shawntel quietly left, disappointed Ben “wasn’t being man enough to recognize their connection.” Erika fainted again. And Jaclyn cried her head off and ran into a nearby bathroom so she could start throwing things.

Now. During the time he spent thinking about his rose choices, my guess is the producers STRONGLY suggested Ben give Shawntel a rose. It would’ve been unprecedented drama (even for a show as ridiculously over-the-top as The Bachelor). In fact, if I had been a producer I would’ve suggested Ben give Shawntel the very first rose, just to see how the other girls would’ve reacted. As it turns out, Ben played it totally safe and chose not to keep Shawntel. It was the right call on his part. Unfortunately for us, it was the most boring call he could’ve made. Surprise, surprise.