Let's address the obvious first. This is a post about the Bachelorette. Before you get on your high horse and start making jokes, we need to outline why a dude would watch this stupendously stupid show. Guys watch the Bachelor, Bachelorette or Bachelor Pad to a) impress their wives, b) impress their girlfriends or c) impress girls they hope to one day make their girlfriends or wives. That's the entire list of reasons. You'll never convince me otherwise.
I started watching the Bachelor in the fall of 2009 to impress a striking, long-legged blonde named Cecilia Lambert. I guess there could have been some other similarly awesome stuff I did along the way, but watching the Bachelor that fall was roughly 92% responsible for Cecilia saying "I do" on January 21, 2011.
Almost immediately, I began brainstorming ways to make this weekly two-hour waste of time more bearable. It started by trying to correctly guess the last five bachelors after the season premier. When Jake the Amazing Pilot's season ended and just before Ally the Former Facebook Marketer's season began, Cecilia and I expanded the game to guessing the top 15 AND final five bachelors before the initial rose ceremony. About a week before Jake Come Here to Me's first rose ceremony, we tweaked the game again, this time deciding to treat the franchise like folks do NCAA March Madness pools. We nailed down a list of specs and rules, which I won't explain here, just know an Excel spreadsheet full of IF formulas is involved. Then we invited Cecilia's friends and mine - all participating dudes characterized by one of the three categories above, of course - to play the game with us.
If it sounds dumb, I promise you it is. But its fun. Each Tuesday morning, I write a recap about the previous night's show and email it out with the updated standings to our game's competitors (33 this season). Below is this week's email. You've already killed several minutes by reading the words above, so how about you keep going? You owe it to yourself. We'll post the previous six weeks' recaps sometime soon.
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This week’s show began with Ashley dropping knowledge about the group’s next destination: “Taiwan is the hidden jewel of Asia, because not a lot of people know about it.” A producer immediately leaned in and explained that, actually a lot of people know about Taiwan considering Taiwanese companies manufacture a large portion of the world’s consumer electronics. Ashley then bit her lip and looked angrily at the camera as the producer pointed and laughed. (I’m making this up of course. I had to. Last night’s show was THAT boring.) Ashley next rattled on about the various things she liked about the six remaining bachelors. I’m sure she was very flattering, but I was busy playing Hanging With Friends on my phone, so I missed most of her bachelor recaps. Of The Gentleman, she said, “Ames is one of the most unique guys I’ve ever met.” Indeed.
The episode’s first date was with Constantine. Until last night, Constantine had been an enigma to me. He had no identifiable spark with or distinguishable interest in Ashley that I could see. I could not, for the life of me, figure out why Ashley had kept him around. Cecilia explained I had been looking at it backwards. Because Constantine would rather be kickin’ it with the boys and watching Ames do Ames things, this makes him a rare challenge compared to the rest of the guys. She wants to him to care, so she works a little harder on him to try to get him to care. That seems stupid to me, but what do I know? (The answer: not much.) During the date Ashley made Constantine paint a “love balloon” that they would release into the sky later that night. Disgusted, Constantine looked at the balloon the same way a four-year-old might gaze at a heaping plate of bean sprouts. Realizing he had no choice but to paint, he got to work. Later, during dinner, Ashley told Constantine he was exactly the kind of guy she is attracted to. Horrified, Constantine quickly changed the subject and starting talking about his family. The night ended with Ashley and Constantine launching their love balloon into the air. As Constantine genuinely admired the scenery, Ashley grabbed his face and forced him into one of her patentedly-awkward kisses.
Next, Ashley had a one-on-one date with Ben. It was basically a replay of all of their previous interactions. “I like you, you like me, if we were married life would look like this, blah, blah, blah.” Ben did confess that he was in love with Ashley, but he’s not ready to tell her yet. Give him a couple more hours.
Before the group date with Lucas, Ames and JP, the guys were sitting around in their hotel suite when Ben be-bopped into the room with a mile-wide smile like he’d spent the night in Ashley’s bed. Ames asked the obvious question, Ben denied staying in the same room overnight with Ashley and immediately Ben’s I-know-something-you-don’t-know attitude vanished. Nevertheless, JP stormed out of the room in a quasi-jealous rage and hunted desperately for a door to slam. He was unsuccessful. The group date was another weird choice. Each guy was given a wedding tuxedo to wear and a corresponding photo shoot to do with Ashley. Not surprisingly, Ames MURDERED his photo shoot, while Lucas and JP simply went through the motions. Later at the cocktail party, in a move I totally would’ve disapproved of had it not been The Gentleman who made it, Ames showed Ashley old pictures of himself and his family, including a tremendous grade-school photo that powerfully communicated why The Gentleman now has veneers. Ames’ gamble failed, and JP, through his constant pouting and bickering, won the group date’s rose.
The final date of the episode was a one-on-one with Ryan, who to that point was probably the group’s frontrunner with JP. From the start, though, we could sense Ashley’s wheels spinning. She seemed indifferent. Things continued to snowball until she abruptly stopped the date and confessed he would not be receiving a rose at the ceremony. Stunned, Ryan walked away...and promptly shifted into 2012-Bachelor-Tryout Mode. He shed crocodile tears, yelled obscenities, asked why, placed his head between his legs and acted like he might throw-up and concluded his tryout by doing the obligatory, “I don’t want to be alone!! When is it going to be my turn?!?!?!” routine. It was pretty blatant. If ABC buys this and chooses him over Bentley to be our next Bachelor, I’m writing somebody an angry letter.
The episode ended with Constantine, Ben and Ames joining JP as rose winners. As Ashley escorted Lucas to his limo, JP turned to Ames and excitedly proclaimed, “I was not expecting THAT.” Dignified as ever, the Gentleman simply shot JP a look as if to remind him, “I have degrees from Harvard, Yale and Cambridge. You think those don’t mean something, chump? And, have you SEEN the fashion risks I take each week?! I’m wearing vermillion-colored pants tonight for goodness sakes!!”
In the show’s last 15 minutes or so, there was an uncomfortable interview with Emily. I’m still trying to sort out my thoughts on it. She SEEMED legitimately heartbroken and tired of all the publicity she’s been getting, yet, if this was really true, why do an interview on national broadcast television to further promote your fame? I’m dubious she did it for the right reasons.
click here to view the week 5 update
Click here to view the week 6 update
The episode’s first date was with Constantine. Until last night, Constantine had been an enigma to me. He had no identifiable spark with or distinguishable interest in Ashley that I could see. I could not, for the life of me, figure out why Ashley had kept him around. Cecilia explained I had been looking at it backwards. Because Constantine would rather be kickin’ it with the boys and watching Ames do Ames things, this makes him a rare challenge compared to the rest of the guys. She wants to him to care, so she works a little harder on him to try to get him to care. That seems stupid to me, but what do I know? (The answer: not much.) During the date Ashley made Constantine paint a “love balloon” that they would release into the sky later that night. Disgusted, Constantine looked at the balloon the same way a four-year-old might gaze at a heaping plate of bean sprouts. Realizing he had no choice but to paint, he got to work. Later, during dinner, Ashley told Constantine he was exactly the kind of guy she is attracted to. Horrified, Constantine quickly changed the subject and starting talking about his family. The night ended with Ashley and Constantine launching their love balloon into the air. As Constantine genuinely admired the scenery, Ashley grabbed his face and forced him into one of her patentedly-awkward kisses.
Next, Ashley had a one-on-one date with Ben. It was basically a replay of all of their previous interactions. “I like you, you like me, if we were married life would look like this, blah, blah, blah.” Ben did confess that he was in love with Ashley, but he’s not ready to tell her yet. Give him a couple more hours.
Before the group date with Lucas, Ames and JP, the guys were sitting around in their hotel suite when Ben be-bopped into the room with a mile-wide smile like he’d spent the night in Ashley’s bed. Ames asked the obvious question, Ben denied staying in the same room overnight with Ashley and immediately Ben’s I-know-something-you-don’t-know attitude vanished. Nevertheless, JP stormed out of the room in a quasi-jealous rage and hunted desperately for a door to slam. He was unsuccessful. The group date was another weird choice. Each guy was given a wedding tuxedo to wear and a corresponding photo shoot to do with Ashley. Not surprisingly, Ames MURDERED his photo shoot, while Lucas and JP simply went through the motions. Later at the cocktail party, in a move I totally would’ve disapproved of had it not been The Gentleman who made it, Ames showed Ashley old pictures of himself and his family, including a tremendous grade-school photo that powerfully communicated why The Gentleman now has veneers. Ames’ gamble failed, and JP, through his constant pouting and bickering, won the group date’s rose.
The final date of the episode was a one-on-one with Ryan, who to that point was probably the group’s frontrunner with JP. From the start, though, we could sense Ashley’s wheels spinning. She seemed indifferent. Things continued to snowball until she abruptly stopped the date and confessed he would not be receiving a rose at the ceremony. Stunned, Ryan walked away...and promptly shifted into 2012-Bachelor-Tryout Mode. He shed crocodile tears, yelled obscenities, asked why, placed his head between his legs and acted like he might throw-up and concluded his tryout by doing the obligatory, “I don’t want to be alone!! When is it going to be my turn?!?!?!” routine. It was pretty blatant. If ABC buys this and chooses him over Bentley to be our next Bachelor, I’m writing somebody an angry letter.
The episode ended with Constantine, Ben and Ames joining JP as rose winners. As Ashley escorted Lucas to his limo, JP turned to Ames and excitedly proclaimed, “I was not expecting THAT.” Dignified as ever, the Gentleman simply shot JP a look as if to remind him, “I have degrees from Harvard, Yale and Cambridge. You think those don’t mean something, chump? And, have you SEEN the fashion risks I take each week?! I’m wearing vermillion-colored pants tonight for goodness sakes!!”
In the show’s last 15 minutes or so, there was an uncomfortable interview with Emily. I’m still trying to sort out my thoughts on it. She SEEMED legitimately heartbroken and tired of all the publicity she’s been getting, yet, if this was really true, why do an interview on national broadcast television to further promote your fame? I’m dubious she did it for the right reasons.
click here to view the week 5 update
Click here to view the week 6 update
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