(Author: Matthew)
I'm guessing the first 10 minutes of week nine began the same way they did for weeks seven and eight. I really have no idea. Cecilia and I fast forwarded through them because we assumed Ashley would do her usual this-is-what-I-like-about-these-guys routine. Even if something else did happen, you'd be hard-pressed to convince me we really "missed" anything.
After Ashely's recaps, we were treated to a "surprise" visit from Ryan, who intimated he'd flown down to Fiji on his own dime just to see if Ashley really, truly, seriously, cross-her-heart-and-hope-to-die didn't want to marry him. In no way whatsoever was this a continued audition to be ABC's next Bachelor. He totally came to Fiji for the right reasons. When he skipped his way to Ashley's hotel room, her first word as she swung open her front door was, "Whhhhhyyyyyy?" (I wish that were true. She actually said "Ryyyyyyy," but I'm sure "why?" is what she meant.)
Ryan barged in, took a seat on Ashley's couch and in the least-scripted way possible, poured out his heart and soul in his typical bobble-headed fashion. He asked her if she had any regrets and if she thought she should give him one more chance (he seriously asked her this). The whole time Ryan was talking, Ashley seemed to be working through her options if he was to charge at her with violence in his eyes should she give him an answer he did not appreciate. Ryan let her off the hook (dang it) by telling her to think it over. Before leaving, Ryan played to Ashley's perpetual insecurities and passed her a love note and told her she looked great. Well done, sir.
Before her date with Ben, Ashley put on her acting flip flops and tried to stare pensively at the ocean as if she was giving Ryan a second thought. When Ben sauntered up, all thoughts of Ryan vanished from her mind. In a two-minute segment Ben described his relationship with Ashley using four words: "effortless," "effortless," "effortless," and "effortless." So moving.
Now. We all shed a tear when Ames was sent packing last week. More than anything we knew we'd miss his quotes. Ben seemed to sense America's loss and did his best to fill in the gap. Of his Bachelorette experience he said, "This journey has been a real break-through for me. I've really found myself again, and in finding myself, I've found a girl I really care about, and I'm really happy." He was talking about Ashley here. I think.
The next scene was a little ridiculous. Ashley baited Ben into rubbing her down with sunscreen. It was just as awkward to watch as it is to read. Once they were good and sun-protected, Ashley and Ben dove off the deck of their enormous yacht into the blue waters beneath them. During the ensuing snorkeling montage Cecilia and I talked over their commentary as we wondered whether or not the coral reef had been color-enhanced in any way. Our final ruling was "no." Before dinner, Ben admitted he was falling for Ashley, that he had so much to tell her, but tell her he could not...until that night.
In a hilarious see-through v-neck shirt he chose to tuck in, Ben tried to hide his outrage when Ashley showed up to dinner sans makeup. Ashley inquired if Ben was scared he and she were so close to engagement. Ben replied, "No. Because I'm available today, whereas two months ago, I wasn't. I'm on my way to the whole I love you thing." This response, confusing as it seemed to be, won Ben a makeout session followed by the overnight suite card. Ben claimed that even though he was rewarded the overnight-suite card, he would NOT tell Ashley he loved her. As soon as he got Ashley in the hot tub though, he completely changed course and said, "Everything in my life is now clear." Huh?
Ashley's date with Constantine was much more exciting. Although, not for the reasons she would've wanted. During their helicopter ride to a private island, Cecilia asked me if Fiji was where apples came from. I stared at her in confusion and then responded, "No, babe. You're thinking about Fuji apples. Those are Japanese." She was dubious, so she made me Google it just to confirm.
The date seemed doomed from the start. After Constantine's tennis-shoe-clad-cliff-jumping performance (which is, by the way, the exact same uniform I would've worn), Ashley wanted to talk about house buying. Constantine admitted looking at 108 houses before choosing the one he ended up purchasing. He tried to defend his position by saying, "Women and houses are not the same. A house is a financial investment." In his mind, I'm sure that made sense. It did not make sense to Ashley (or anyone else), though. Ashley's strategy for the conversation was this: she wanted Constantine to once and for all, admit he was just as into her as Ben and JP were. To her dismay, he did not take acquiesce.
Dinner was a study in tongue-tiedness. Ashley continued to try and get Constantine to tell her he was mad about her while Constantine continued to trip over his words. He became downright eloquent, however, when it was time to talk about the overnight suite. He started by saying he did not have complete confidence he could tell his dad that Ashley was his future wife. Stunned, Ashley asked, "Well, where does that leave us now?" Constantine replied, "If I'm going to be honest about it, then this means the end of the road for me." He promptly arose from his chair and bolted off the set. Earlier in the evening, President Obama had interrupted the program to put pressure on the Republicans to accept his debt ceiling solution. I knew this meant our DVR wouldn't catch the end of episode nine. But because Constantine handled himself with such class and left the show on his own accord, I was relieved to know it didn't matter whether or not I saw the final rose ceremony. Here's to Constantine and his outpouring of good timing. If not for The Gentleman, I would put him first on my Bachelorette MVP ballot.
Back to Ryan. Just as we all had guessed at the beginning, his reappearance was completely contrived. Ashley set him up by giving him complements first and telling him he was who she thought he was...and then she admitted she still didn't have feelings for him. That gave Ryan yet another chance to do the whole "When will it be my turn...when will I find true love?" schtick (which is why he came to Fiji in the first place).
JP. Let's sum this up in two sentences: Ashley loves to be complimented. JP gives compliments to Ashley freely.
If JP doesn't win this thing, I don't know what to tell you. Dude has it in the bag. And Ashley sported a men's button-down shirt as her uniform of choice on their overnight suite rendezvous to prove it. Game. Set. Match.
We're all ready for this journey to end...
No comments:
Post a Comment